Home. (L.N.)

40. Goodbye

The sound of bells fill this little tale of the countryside in the heart of Switzerland. These are bells of remorse and grief for a too young life that had been taken away from this world in this horrible way.
In the door of the little chapel stands with his head hanging down the only men that could get through to me, while I am sitting sunken together on the first row on these old banks of the church. On Sundays these are always filled by the people from the village nearby and within them from time to time the members of the Schumacher family. Even if many people all around the world adore and title them as celebrities, here they are just part of the community. They are always very welcomed, whenever one of them is staying in the romantic land house on the edge of the village overlooking it from a little hill. When Liv stayed here for a few weeks a couple of months ago, when once again things weren't good with her ex, she fell in love with the peacefulness and beauty of this place. In the mornings you can smell the fresh bread and pastries from the villagebakery climbing up the air to the little hill. It mixes perfectly together with the loud laughter of the group of young kids walking down the mainstreet on their way to catch the bus to school in the nearest town. Here the world seems just fine with no drama or issues. One hand is helping the other, everyone has an uplifting word for each other. Especially in the springtime when the cherry trees start to blossom again the village turns into this magical place, which could be straight out of a movie.
A memory that I love to remember often in the last days was the one of us running through the poppyfield next to the Schumacher house here in Switzerland laughing from the bottom of our souls, while chasing each other with water guns. We spend so many happy days here together with the family that I brought in. They most likely adopted us and took care of myself and my sister as much as they possibly could. But Liv was the only real relativ I had left.
In pure pain and with a broken heart I lift up my head and again I get confronted by the beauty of her. My sisters face smiles down from the huge photo next to the alter. Next to it is her urn surrounded by massive flower arrangements. The whole village payed her a tribute earlier on. They will remember her of the great spirit that she was. The kids will remember her for her incredible face painting skills. When she stayed here she transformed many girls and boys in pirates, princess, tigers or butterlies. The elderly will remember her as the one helping them with their shopping while the parents remember her as a trustworthy person that would take good care of their children. Even with all their support and lovely things they have done for me especially since arriving here, bringing her to her last resting place is my burden alone. This peaceful place just seems to be where she belongs. Never in my life would I put her body in a dork cemetery in the middle of London. She was a free soul and nowhere else would she be happier.
I am lucky not catching a splinter in my hand as I push up my weak body from the bench that seems as old as time and might collapse any moment. With my hands wrapped around them tightly, I try to find enough strength in my legs. I haven't eaten a lot lately and slepping was more of a torture then facing the exhaustment of the daytime. There is nothing to do with me and even Mick was clueless. The only solution the doctors could think about were medications, so I could finally sleep. But I haven't taken them, whenever I close my eyes I can see her reunited with mum and dad while I still need to face this pain. It's okay to feel like this and it would be disrespectful to Liv trying to numb it.
The sound of the piano starts blasting inside of the church. It's time to let go.

There goes my heart beating
'Cause you are the reason
I'm losing my sleep
Please come back now

My voice rises soft and a little shaky as my feet get slowly moving. Tears floating  down both my cheeks as I try to hold on to the centuries old wood. It gives me stability as I don't trust my week legs to carry all the burden. But eventually I need to let go to move more towards this urn with the ashes of my sister.

And there goes my mind racing
And you are the reason
That I'm still breathing
I'm hopeless now
I'd climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I've broken
Oh, 'cause I need you to see
That you are the reason

I just stand there staring with dead eyes at the golden little thing that is now the place where my sisters body is. As I take a deep breath before singing the next line I reach out for her. I know it's not her, but it's all I have left despite our many memories. And even these, I am afraid to loose over time as they are moving back to my mind and being overwritten by new. I pray to God this will never happen because she does not deserve this.

There goes my hands shaking
And you are the reason

Like my dear life depends on it my shaking hand press the silver urn against my chest. The metal seems to absorb all the warmth left in my heart as it goes number and number. This might be the same feeling as when a body bleeds out and everything just stops hurting and start getting cold.

My heart keeps bleeding
I need you now

Dear Lord give me strength. With getting my last bits of inner strength together I turn around with Liv in my hands, carrying the the wish to never ever let her go. My eyes overshadowed by tears spot my golden boy in the doors of the church. My mouth moves like a robot just squeezing every word out of that song putting all the emotions in there as much as I can. I hope that when I release them like this I won't feel their meaning anymore.

And if I could turn back the clock
I'd make sure the light defeated the dark
I'd spend every hour, of every day
Keeping you safe

S

tep by step I walk down the aisle. This way is the worst. The other way around in this pace would be the happiest day of my life. But this way round is hell at least someone else waits at the end for me also. His eyes lay on me and the tears on his face shatter the pieces of my already broken heart into millions of sharp pieces which spike into my body from within. Numbed by the wounds my steps are so slow it seems I step in slow motion passed him. He doesn't dare to say anything. Exhausted by the situation he just lowers his head and let's me passed.

And I'd climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I've broken
Oh, 'cause I need you to see
That you are the reason
You are the reason.
I need you to hold me tonight

The sound of the piano out here is seems to flod the whole tale. Everything seems quiet. No cow bells or bird noises fill the air anymore, just the piano and my voice. It's like everybody takes a moment to remember and cherish her. My path takes me around the church slowly climbing that little hill where the view over the village is nowhere better then here.

I'd climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I've broken
'Cause I need you to see
That you are the reason

My sore throat hurts when I stop on top of that hill. Thousands of tears roll down my face. It's my honor and my torture for filling her last wish. It was physically a challenge coming up here while I gave her our family ritual farewell. Our father rests in the sea, our mother in the earth and it was Livs choice and wish to rest everywhere. As the wind picks up and blows the hair into my face the sun bursts through the clouds and comforts my skin. I take one last deep breath before opening the gorgeous silver urn. At the perfect and right moment the wind takes over the faith of my sisters burned body. In just moments of time I handed her over to mother nature for her last rest. She is free. Free of pain and worry. Liv is gone.

***
This has been a very emotional and challenging chapter. I was finally to process some of my personal experiences in this little one and it's dear to my heart. Please be respectful and know that even after hard times life goes on.

Because I know this was tough and I don't want to leave you on that note I published another chapter right after this one. And it's honestly another of my favorite!

Xxx