The Mind of an Insecure Person

1. Jessica

March 01st, 2008
2:12 a.m.

Dear diary,

Have you ever thought to yourself, 'Why would someone love me?'

Well, I have and it sucks.

When you constantly say it over and over to yourself, you think of all the reasons why someone should not love you.

Some examples:
•being too fat
•the scars on your wrist
•being too tall
•the acne that appears on your face when you are really stressed out
and
•the random stretch marks that appear on your body because apparently you are "too fat."
There are so many reasons why someone shouldn't love me, or why no one does. I guess it's easier for me to see all of my imperfections seeing as that I live in my own body and pick apart myself constantly.

Insecurities can be one thing to someone else, but to me, they are a mind killer. They consume my mind every second of every day and keep me thinking over and over again. Soon enough, my brain just dies from all of the insecurities and over-thinking. It just shuts down and stops working for so long, because it gets so worn out from thinking all of these negative things.

Every time I see a mirror or walk past one, I try my hardest not to look in it because I know the person staring back at me would be someone I don't want to see. She is someone I don't know. It's horrible to hate your own reflection and then have all these people tell you that you are beautiful and they wish they were you.

Like, why would you want to be me?

The mind of insecurities will eat you alive and kill you in an instant. You don't want this mind, nor should anyone ever be cursed with having these kinds of thoughts. I know everyone has flaws, but they shouldn't eat you alive or make you this paranoid to the point where when you are out in public you constantly walk around with your heart beating fast and your mind running over all of these different questions:

Why are you staring at me?

Do I really look that ugly?

Are they laughing at me?

Should I never go out in public again?

And there are so many more questions that I could say, but that list would go on forever and ever.

Besides all of those killer insecurities, I do have some good times wondering about what it would be like when I find Mr. Right. I want to know who it will be, when, where, how old I will be and more. It's good to know you will have someone that loves you for every little flaw you have; that they will stick by your side and remind you every single day that you are beautiful and always remind you of the reasons why they love you.

Or there could be this demented side of your brain that says, you will never find anybody, because no one will ever love you!

But, we all think that at one point or another in our lives. We all get a bit sad over being single and not having anyone that loves us. It's a part of life that we can't help. We crave love and attention from other people.

People say we are only looking for attention when we speak out about the reflection we see, but when you see what we see, then come back to us. You have no idea what it is like to be inside the mind of a very insecure person.

It is a terrible place that traps you once you enter it's doors. It's as if you think one negative thought for a second in your day and it's as if the rest of the day is tainted with more negatives thoughts because you let your mind think that one horrible thing about yourself.

I don't know. I don't get why anyone has to live every day hating themselves. It's honestly so sad that any human has to grow up and instantly hate themself so much that it just tears them down to the point where they don't know what self-love is. They'll never be able to look in a mirror and name one good quality about themself. What a tragic life to live.

But I'm living it.

You see, I don't want to live like this. I wish that I could wake up tomorrow and start to love the girl staring back at me in the mirror. I would love to touch my body and love every imperfection that I have. I would love to be able to know what self-love is and how to accept the person I am.

But I can't. Not now, not tomorrow, and not next month. I don't see anything good about me. I'm just a depressed girl who picks herself apart. Who would want to love that? I'm just too much to handle. Or at least that's what guys have told me before.

But I think that's going to be all for today. I feel like I'm getting too much into my head, and I don't want to go into a panic attack.

Until next time.

Love always,

Jessica Knot, the girl with a dysfunctional mind.