The Mind of an Insecure Person

3. Jessica

March 15th, 2008
8:25 a.m.

Dear diary,

The first cut is always the deepest. No matter how much you cut, the first one is always the deepest. It's like you take out all of your aggression the first time you put the fresh blade to your skin. You see the blood trickling down your wrist, on to the counter top. After you're done cutting, you get this happy feeling inside, like all of those scars you just made relieved you of your pain and suffering. It is weird how one sharp object can make a person feel so much better about themselves.

On the other hand, though, that happiness the blade brings only lasts for so long until you crave it against your skin once again. It's an addiction that you can't help but do. Like you're stuck on repeat. Once you start, you will never be able to stop.

Soon your fresh skin looks—in a way—like a massacre that happened on your own body. You slice your skin over and over again to the point the scars just stay there permanently. Like a constant reminder of how bad your past used to be.

The scars bring happiness to me for some reason. Like, in a way, those scars are a story waiting to be told.

I mean, I cut myself to relieve pain. Pain is what brought these scars upon my body. I don't really know how to explain this all because I sound like a complete freak, but I know there are people out there that understand what I am saying.

I wish they didn't understand, but there are people that do.

———

April 08th, 2008
3:45 a.m.

Dear diary,

Pain is inevitable. It is waiting to be felt by every young teen; even some adults. It's waiting for the right time to knock on your door and walk right inside, never taking a step out the door again. You invite pain in for a visit, but that visit soon turns into a home for pain. It moves in all of these feelings and emotions and crams your metaphorical house. That house is your mind.

Sometimes you try to stop feeling all of these emotions, but they all crash in at once and you feel all of these emotions at once and in a sense feel crazy. You can't stop yourself from thinking such horrible things about yourself. It sucks. It really does.

I wish there was a way to turn your feelings off altogether. That would be pretty freaking fantastic right about now.

———

April 16th, 2008
10:34 a.m.

Dear diary,

Have you ever thought to yourself, 'God created me so I can suffer alone. He doesn't want anyone to love me.' I have those thoughts almost every single day. Maybe they are right, or maybe they are wrong. Maybe God is telling us that no matter how much pain you are put through in life, you push through and make it. Life is not always hard. You have the good and bad times, but when you are done going through the bad times just know that the good is coming.

Pain doesn't last forever.

I don't know what God's plan is for me in life, or why he is making me go through all of this, but I know in the end, good will come out of it and I will be a stronger person. Stronger than you have ever seen me.

I at least have to have faith. To trust and believe in God, knowing that his plan for me is slowly working and that I'll have somewhat of a happy ending.

That is all us sad people can do anymore. We have to hope and pray that maybe one day our sadness will no longer be felt. To feel happy.

To be happy.

Love always,

Jessica Knot, the girl with a dysfunctional mind.