The Mind of an Insecure Person

11. Jessica

May 30th, 2008
7:30 p.m.

Dear diary,

Jonathon came over today, randomly, and it was the best thing ever. We laid in bed most of the day and watched movies; old Disney movies, and also new horror movies.

Later in the day, we made our way downstairs to find something to make. I didn't really know if we had anything, but surprisingly we did. We decided on making grilled cheese and tomato soup.

Let me tell you, it's the best thing ever. And if you think otherwise, well, I won't tell you that you're wrong, but you are. It's the best thing, ever.

While setting up the table for dinner, my wrists couldn't help but itch. The cuts hidden underneath my sweater are dying for me to scratch at them, but I can't. Not now. Not with Jonathon right in the other room.

Well, maybe. They did itch really badly and I could try and do it without him seeing. I sneak a look his way and see that he's busy looking in the fridge at the moment. Perfect.

I slowly started to scratch the itch, but I accidentally scratched a little too hard and made a whimper noise. Jonathon turned around so fast and saw that I was holding my wrist.

Fuck.

"What's wrong, dear?" He starts to walk over to me, but my first instinct is to step back. I don't know why I did it, but I did.

"I, uh. . . I scratched myself on accident." I suck at lying, but I don't know what else to say. I can't let him see my wrists. Not after how great today was.

"Let me see. Are you okay?" He looks so concerned, and my heart breaks a little. I just lied to my boyfriend for no reason.

He made his way over to me and took a hold of my wrist and pulled it towards him. He pulled up my sleeve and all of my scars were out in the open. It felt like I was naked, standing in front of him. My face was definitely flushed and I couldn't help but feel a little bit embarrassed as he looked me in the eyes, and then back down at my wrist.

"What are these from?" He asked me with a saddened expression on his face. In that moment, I felt like a complete and utter disappointment.

"Too much. I can't explain."

He pulled my wrists up to his lips and kissed my scars. "No matter what, I'll love you. Scars or no scars."

I blushed. Did he really just say that? My heart started beating a thousand miles per second. It's funny how such little words could make someone so happy.

"You are beautiful, Jessica LeAnn Knott." Jonathon says to me, looking into my eyes. I can't help but get lost in the twinkle in his eyes.

"And you are the most amazing guy, ever." I said, leaning in to kiss him. I was smiling as he kissed me back. This boy gives me butterflies without even trying.

I still wonder to myself how I got so lucky.

———

For the rest of  the day, I wasn't scared to show my arms. I wouldn't be scared to do this for the rest of my life, as long as Jonathan is by my side. He makes me feel so loved without even trying.

Somehow, in such little time, I started to learn what love was. Not only how to love someone else, but to love myself. It's a process that takes time, but I'm slowly learning every single day how to love the woman I'm becoming and also love the man who's helping me love myself.

It's crazy just how much someone can change your thoughts, your view on reality, and so much more in such a little time. I never once thought that I'd ever love myself, but Jonathon has helped me learn to love myself more than I'll ever be able to thank him for.

I hope that I'm helping him love himself in certain ways, too. I hope that I'm making him happy and feel like he has the best life he could ever ask for, because without him, I don't know if I'd ever be able to love myself half as much as I do at this very moment.

One day I'll be able to properly thank him. I'm going to spend my life trying to thank him for all that he has done for me. I need him to love himself as much as he's making me love myself.

Until then, I'll dedicate my days to make his days better.

Love always,

Jessica Knot, the girl with a dysfunctional mind.