The Mind of an Insecure Person

7. Jessica

May 25th, 2008
6:30 a.m.

Dear diary,

Today is officially the first day of summer!

Jonathan and I went to the local diner in our town to grab some lunch. While we were eating, we talked about what we were going to do in the summer and he said that he wanted to hang with me, no matter what.

That honestly made me so happy. I didn't realize just how badly I needed to hear him say that he wanted to hang out with me no matter what.

Jonathan and I have gotten a lot closer since we first met. I wouldn't say we are a couple yet, but we are definitely making our way up to it.

He's learned so much about me in the little time that we've known each other. I feel like he's my best friend, and I wouldn't change that for the world. Jonathan has made me feel so secure in myself lately and I can't thank him enough.

What he doesn't know, though, is that I'm very insecure. I don't know if he will think that I'm the type of girl that wants attention from everyone, so I say I'm insecure to get attention from the people around me. He will soon figure out that I am insecure because of my scars, and how I'm afraid to show them to him. He will finally see the weakest and darkest parts of me. I don't want that to happen soon, but I know it will.

When we finished eating, he paid for the dinner and then he took me to his house and we watched movies.

And the best thing was that while watching the movies, he held me close and held my hand. I blushed so hard that my cheeks still hurt. I don't know what it is about him but he makes me so happy and I love that about him. He is the first guy that I'm starting to trust. While we were watching the movie, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, I think I'm falling for you.

I blushed again. I think I'm falling for you, too. I had said back to him.

He smiled as he stared into my eyes. He stared in my eyes like he was trying to understand something. Like he was reading me and knowing that there was something about me that killed me inside, but I didn't mind at all. I was lost and dazed in his beautiful brown eyes.

My heart also skipped a beat when he said he was falling for me. It felt like a drum when someone was beating a rhythm over and over again. But it was making a beautiful sound. It was like a perfect melody being created.

From that moment, I knew that he was going to change my life forever. Somehow and someway. It scared me a little bit, but I was ready for him to come into my life and change it for the better.

———

At the end of the night, when he drove me back home, he walked me to the door. As we made our way to the door, we took a hold of one another's hands and he pulled me close. My heart began to flutter and beat rapidly. He was going to kiss me. I just knew he was going to kiss me.

"I love you, Jessica. You might think it's too soon, but I think I'm in love with you." He looked into my eyes and just kept looking intently in them. He captured my heart in this very moment.

Oh, God. My heart is beating so fast right now. I'm also blushing like a complete loser right now. I can only imagine how red my face actually is right about now. I probably look like a lobster.

"I think I'm in love with you, too. Or maybe it's close to being love, but I can say that I never felt this way in a long, long time. You have made me feel so much better about myself recently. I couldn't thank you enough for making me happier than I've been in a very long time."

He smiled, and in that moment, he kissed my lips. The sparks exploded rapidly and I can feel my heart rush. I had this feeling that I was hallucinating and I was dreaming, but it wasn't a dream. He really did kiss me with his tender lips.

As we said good-night to one another, I went inside and fell asleep, happily. For the first time in my whole life. I was finally getting a break from life.

Love always,

Jessica Knot, the girl with a dysfunctional mind.