Love gives hope

Chapter 6 "she knows"

Derek's Point-of-View

Pain. I was in a hell of a lot of it. I'd been in it for a very, very long time. I should be used to the pain, but that didn't mean it got any easier.

The only thing I'd found to distract me away from my pain was her face. When her face lit up, it was like my whole world lit up...I'd never felt anything like it before.

That brought on a different kind of pain. I didn't want to hurt her, I was a dying man, a ticking time bomb...and she deserved better than that.

I opened my eyes slowly and groaned as the pain throbbed through my body. She was standing over my bed making a note in my chart as she reached out and upped the morphine drip. I let out a breath of relief as the pain started to fade, I knew it wasn't the morphine.

"Hey." I croaked out "I was wondering when I got to see you again."

Her lips pulled into a flat line, a forced unhappy smile as she looked at me with something hidden behind her face, "How are you feeling Derek?"

"Derek," I frowned, "Yesterday, it was Mr. Shepherd. Now, it's Derek. I usually don't like being called Mr. Shepherd; it makes me feel old. The way you say it..."

"Derek." She nearly hissed. I let out a sigh of defeat.

"I feel like someone ripped my guts out." I admitted. "I feel like I've got tumors eating away at my body, and I feel like this disease that I have no control over is sucking the life out of me slowly. I'm sorry if me saying pervy things bothers you, I'm just trying to have fun with what time I have left."

Her eyes softened and her head fell to the side as if she felt remorse, she lowered herself to the edge of my bed and put her hand on top of my arm.

"It doesn't bother me." She sighed softly; her lips pulled back into a soft smile. "I just don't want you to keep how you're really feeling inside just to impress a pretty girl."

"Oh, I'm trying to impress you?" I rose my brow.

"You've been trying to impress me since the moment I first walked through that door." She smirked, "Admit it."

"Oh yeah," I rolled my eyes, "what with my shiny bald head, and my gross chemo thin skin and oh, I bet you're just ready to jump me at the sight of my folie."

She giggled, it was music to my ears...but there was still that something in her eyes that told me she was holding out on me.

"Your head is not bald, you've got a little peach fuzz." She smiled, "At least your skin is clear, beats those acne pit faced guys I went to high school with. As for the folie, well it's temporary. When you get better, you can walk to the bathroom and lose the bag of urine."

My eyes fell a little as a heavy sadness filled my gut "What if I don't get better?"

She gulped "You're going to Derek."

"I know you're an intern, but you've got to know that not everyone makes it."

"I know that the people who want to make it have a better chance than those who want to die."

I let out a hard sigh and nodded. I knew that we could go rounds over this. She was stubborn about this, but she was new to this. I was ten years ago. I was in the same frame of mind as she is now. I was 22 years old and a young stud, I knew that I could beat this disease and I did...but I kept coming back. After a while, you can only be beat down so many times until you surrender.

"You know, I didn't want to come here." She said softly after a short silence, her eyes twinkled with a soft smile, "Here was the last place I wanted to do my residency, my mother working here, and my father being the chief of surgery, I would have an impossibly large gap to leap across to even begin to fill their shoes."