Love gives hope

Chapter 38 "Realizations"

Derek's Point-of View

"Are you sure I can't get you anything else?" she asked as she tucked the blankets around my torso and sat up with a sigh.

"I'm sure." I chuckled lightly...it had been a month since my emergency surgery, and my stomach muscles were sore. "Go, run your errands."

"I won't be gone long." She insisted "I'm just going to the grocery store, then I'll be right back. I have my cell on me so if you need anything...."

"Meredith go, you need to eat." I sighed "I am fine, I promise that I'm not dying today."

I couldn't ignore the sting in her eyes as I said that. I reached and grabbed her hand with an apology in my eyes. I didn't mean to say it in a hurtful way. However, I knew that no matter what I did, it would hurt her.

"It'll be fine." I promised. I wasn't sure myself.

"How can it be fine when you insist on staying home and withering away from me?"

"I just know." I lied as I reached up and caught a tear of hers with my fingertips, "If I make it until the baby comes, we'll do the cord blood. Until then...I don't want to be miserable, I want to enjoy this pregnancy with you, I don't want to lie in a hospital bed hardly able to move or open my eyes...please, understand that."

She bit her lip as if she'd had a lot more to say.

"Okay." She finally breathed as she blinked back the rest of her tears, "Okay...I'm going, but I'll be right back."

"Okay." I smiled as I leaned up for a kiss, "I love you."

"I love you too." She whispered against my lips.

She gave me one last look of humble frustration before waddling out of our bedroom and a moment later I heard her pull out of the driveway. I sighed softly as I leaned as comfortably as I could into my pillow and closed my eyes to get some rest. Energy wasn't coming very easily for me.

I wasn't sure how long I'd been asleep, or what spurred me out of my sleep but when I woke up, I blinked as I saw a figure sitting in a chair next to my bed...for a second, I thought I was back in the hospital. I gulped as I sighed back into my pillow and looked up into her icy blue green eyes.

"Ellis." I croaked. "Meredith went to the store."

"I know." She said, "I told her to take her time and I would come sit with you."

"Thank you." I breathed. "She needs to take it easy."

"I don't think you have a right to say that." She said abruptly.

"Excuse me?" I frowned.

"You heard me." She scoffed, "How can you say that you want her to take it easy when you're refusing to help yourself."

I sighed and did a slight roll of my eyes, "Ellis, I don't want to be miserable when my child is born."

"You might not be around at all!" she shouted, "You could die before then."

"I'll live...I'll live until the birth. I know I will."

She pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration and sighed as we heard Meredith's car pull into the garage, she looked up at me, this time with a longing plea in her eyes...something I'd never seen before coming from her.

"You have to fight for her, Derek." She said softly, "You have to fight for her, because she won't survive this."

"She'll live."

"She will." She nodded as she stood up "She will live in the physical sense. She will love your baby. But the Meredith you know, the Meredith that loves you...will die along with you. I don't think I'll ever forgive you for doing that to her."

I gulped at the hard knot in my throat as she stood up and went downstairs to help her daughter. Suddenly, the full impact of what I'd selfishly decided hit me. Sure, I didn't want her or our baby to have to go through another round of chemo and radiation...but mostly I was just tired of it. I didn't want to do it, even if it meant more time with them. As long as they were okay, I could just pass on.

I never realized how not okay she would be if I did die...when I did die.

"You okay?" she asked with a knock on the door. I looked up at her and the tears in my eyes sent her skipping to my side, "Oh God, are you in pain...here let me get you morphine."

"No." I sighed as I reached for her hand, she looked at me with concern and frowned, "Not that kind of pain."

"What is it?" she whispered.

I pulled her hand to my mouth and gently kissed her palm as I inhaled her luscious scent that was my favorite in the world...I felt the cold hard metal of her wedding rings against my skin and sighed.

"I've left you alone in this." I whispered, "I made this decision all on my own and selfishly so. We're going through one of the biggest things a married couple can go through, and I've let cancer pull me out of it...I've left you alone."

"It's okay." She whispered with tears in her eyes.

"It's not." I said as I placed my hand over her protruding tummy "I'm sorry, it's not very husbandly of me...and if you'll forgive me."

"Of course, I forgive you."

I gulped and nodded, "You really want me to fight this, don't you?"

"Yes." She whispered. "But I understand why you don't."

"Then I'll fight." I sighed "I'll fight until the end...for you, for us. With my last dying breath, I'll fight."

She sobbed as she threw her arms around my neck, and I held her as she shook with sobs of relief and happiness. Finally, she pulled up enough to look me in the eyes and kiss me.

"How about with every living breath."