Love gives hope

Chapter 19 "you jeed to hear this"

Meredith's Point-of-View

In all my medical training, in all my thoughts and dreams of how my life as a surgeon would go... never did I think that I would be so obsessed with a urine bag.

I watched, and watched, and I calculated...

12, 14, 16 hours post op. I was about to go crazy if I didn't see something...and finally I did. I almost woke the dead with my shouts of joy when I saw urine starting to collect at a healthy rate.

Now, it was time for him to wake up. I sat at his bedside and sighed as I ran my fingertips over his black bini. I lingered my fingertips down his warm sleeping face. I traced his worry lines and I hoped that those were going to fade now...he had been through so much. If anyone should survive, I knew it would be him.

I stood up and walked around the bed to jot his urine count in the hourly log when the door opened, I looked up to see my mother step in, she stuck her hand out for the chart...I complied.

"How is our patient doing?"

"To be expected." I sighed "he hasn't tried to wake up yet, but his body seems to be slowly working without help. His last urine output has been 3CC's every half hour."

"That's good." She hummed "He still has to breathe on his own, and he has a low-grade fever."

"His body is working really hard right now, a low-grade fever can be normal."

"I never said it wasn't." she snapped.

I decided at that point to just shut up as she finished her exam. I stepped to the side and tried to keep my body upright. It had been over 30 hours since I last closed my eyes. I was fighting fatigue, but sometimes your body just shuts down.

"You're doing a good job; you should go get some sleep."

"No, I'm fine." I shook my head, "I want to make sure he wakes up first, then I'll rest."

She sighed through her nostrils, telling me she wasn't happy with me, but she wouldn't waste time arguing either.

"You know." She said in a soft voice, it was so soft I hardly recognized it as if it were coming from someone else in the room, "One of the worst things for a parent to feel is when they watch their child go down the same path that they took and knowing that there is nothing they can do to stop it."

"What?" I frowned in confusion "I thought you always wanted me to be a surgeon."

"I do." She said softly as she made notes in the chart, "I wasn't talking about being a surgeon."

"Ok." I shook my head, feeling even more confused.

She clicked the pen close as she looked across the bed at me.

"There's something I never told you about your father, and I think it's time that you hear it."

"Mom." I gulped, "Richard is my father."

"Your father, Thatcher," She said ignoring me, "Was actually a patient of mine. I was assigned to him as an intern, he was terminal. He had Cystic Fibrosis and already had a double lung transplant. UNOS wouldn't let us do another. Anyway, my chief of surgery didn't like that I was a succeeding woman in the field of medicine, so he wanted me to fail miserably. I decided that I would make a dead man survive against the odds and prove him wrong...only in the process of making him live, I fell in love. I fell in love hard and fast. I didn't care, I didn't care about my career, about my life, all I cared about was making sure that the dying man that I loved made it. You may think that Mags and Jackson are my favorite because I have them with Richard. The truth is, you are my favorite because you remind me so much of my first love. That's why I am so hard on you."

I gulped as I felt all the hair on the back of my neck stand on edge. How could she possibly be telling me this? God, did she know?

"Only he didn't make it." She sighed, "I walked in one morning with two cups of coffee in my hands for our usual morning date to find the chief of surgery calling his time of death. I lost it, I was devastated, and I wanted to throw everything away. To top it off, I found out that I was pregnant. Richard knew about it all along, he helped me cover it up because he cared about me. He convinced me to use it to work harder, to save everyone else, and to kick ass. I did...Nine months later I gave birth to you. Richard, I love him as much as I'm able to. Your father was the first to hold my heart. However, he was my patient, and that is somewhere no doctor should ever go, Meredith. So, I made up some story that he was a deadbeat and didn't want you. Because I was ashamed. I was scared to lose what I'd worked for all over again."

I felt numb as tears threatened to spill over my eyelids and on my cheeks.

"Mom why are you telling me this..." I whispered.

She looked at Derek and me. I saw compassion in her eyes.

"Be careful Meredith." She said, "You don't get to choose who you love, but please...just be careful."

That was the moment I knew...I knew she knew...and to top it off, she wasn't going to murder me. She turned to go when we heard a loud choking sound, I gasped as I looked down to see Derek's eyes opening and his hands flailing around the ET tube.

"Oh god!" I gasped in relief. "Hang on, don't fight."

I looked at my mother who was already snapping on a pair of gloves, she removed the tape and quickly pulled the tube out of his throat. He gasped for a large breath and looked at me as he breathed out, a smile formed in his eyes.

"Thank you." He panted, he reached up and took my hand in his and I didn't care that my mother was in the room, "Thank you."

"You're halfway out of the woods Mr. Shepherd." Mom smiled at him, "Keep it up and I'll have you out of the ICU by the end of the week."

She nodded at me before leaving the room, I took the initiative and sat next to him as a few more tears rolled down my cheeks, he reached up and dabbed at them as he frowned.

"Why are you crying, I'm awake now."

I nodded and climbed next to him as I started to sob, I nestled against him the best I could as I tried to be gentle with his incisions. He kissed the top of my head and softly held me.

"Hey, hey, hey..." he whispered, "What's wrong?"

I closed my eyes and thought about the pain I saw in my mother's eyes as she told me about my real father. The real story behind him and how too close for comfort it was to Derek's story. I looked up at him and sniffled as I kissed his lips softly.

"Don't ever die, ok?"

"Ok." He smiled softly, "I'll do my best."

"Ok." I nodded and laid against his shoulder.

"You should get some rest; you look like crap." He wheezed "Beautiful crap."

"I look better than you." I giggled.

He smirked "Not possible."

I giggled and closed my eyes. Seconds later, I was in dreamland without a care in the world, because all I wanted in it was right next to me, for good.