Love gives hope

Chapter 36 "we need to talk"

"What happened!"

My mother rushed to the side of the rolling gurney that four interns and my stepfather were helping me push. Yes, I did say helping ME push. I was in charge here, I sure as hell wasn't letting go either.

"I don't know." I panted, "He just got sick and collapsed in the OR."

"What do you mean he just collapsed, something had to have been wrong!" she hissed as she tried to push me away, "You need to go rest."

"I'm fine." I growled; I am not leaving him."

"You're not going into my OR." She spat back. "Has he been getting sick at home, or seemed lethargic at all?"

"No, he's seemed fine..." I wheezed, "I mean... other than last night."

"What happened last night?" Richard asked.

"He was sweaty and running a fever, it was hard to wake him up." I stuttered. "When I did, he refused to come in."

"You should've made him." My mom glared at me as we turned the corner in the hall. Derek groaned and curled on the bed as he started to stir.

I gasped through my tears and grabbed his hand "I'm here baby." I gulped.

"I thought I raised you to be a stronger woman." She hissed as we stopped at the OR doors, "You're leaving."

"No." I shook my head and sniffled.

"You are his wife, not his doctor. Go wait in the waiting room Meredith."

"Mer." I felt Richard's hands on my shoulders as I clenched down on Derek's now lifeless hand "You can't do anything for him right now. Let us take over."

Reluctantly, I eased my grip enough for them to rip him from me and rush him into the OR. "I hope your balls are screwed on tight gentlemen, we're goin in blind." Mom called out as she tied her mask on "Expect the worst."

I turned to follow when Richard held me back. "Let me go." I cried, "I have to go in there."

"You don't." he sighed "What you need to do is go and do your best to relax. I know it's hard and you want to know what's happening. You need to take care of your baby...and realize that right now—I am taking care of mine."

My face pinched up as I held a sob, he leaned in and kissed my forehead before heading into the OR. I turned and cupped my hand over my mouth as the tears started pouring from my eyes. I slowly found my way to the surgical waiting room; it was dark and empty. I slid into the closest chair I could find and fell apart. I cried, sobbed, and made a mess of myself as well as probably scaring the hell out of anyone walking by... I didn't care. The love of my life was in exploratory surgery, and I didn't know if I would ever see him again.

As if I needed the comfort of my mind on something else, I felt the little life in my belly do a gentle somersault. I sniffled and rubbed at the tears on my cheeks as I ran my palm over my belly.

"I'm sorry baby." I squeaked, "Mommy is just scared."

"I know you're scared too."

I jumped at the feminine voice and looked up to see Izzie and Cristina standing in the doorway. I pressed my lips together and nodded, allowing them to come in. They crossed the room, and both sat on either sides of me. Cristina sitting silently, Izzie wrapping a hand around my forearm for support.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed, the minutes seemed like hours...but I finally felt like the silence was going to suffocate me.

"I don't know what I will do without him."

"Would." Izzie mumbled.

"What?" I asked.

"Would, its hypothetical...will means you've already lost him. And you haven't lost him yet."

I nodded as a few more tears leaked out and my lips quivered, "I can't lose him...we've only just started."

"We know." Cristina mumbled "You won't."

"Yeah?" I sniffled and looked at her as if her opinion was the deal breaker...she nodded. I wasn't sure if it was so much out of confidence as it was to make me feel better. "Thank you, guys..." I sighed, "Even if you're bad liars."

Izzie let out a short-lived giggle as the knock on the door made us all look up. I saw a familiar face in gray scrubs holding a large film jacket, his eyes weighed heavily behind his thick black framed glasses.

"Curtis?" I gulped.

"Meredith." He mumbled with a nod. "I know this is breaking doctor patient confidentiality but—we need to talk."

My face suddenly felt numb as I understood the sullen look on his face.

"We're doctors." Cristina snorted "It's not against ethics to talk amongst doctors about a patient."

I sucked in a deep breath as I slowly stood up.

"He doesn't need to talk to me about a patient." I breathed, "He needs to talk to me about my husband."