Love gives hope

Chapter 16 "reason to live"

Derek's Point-of-View

I was laying there coming down from my high, feeling like I'd never had quite an experience like that. All I could think about was that I wanted it to happen again. I wanted it to happen a lot.

I wanted to live.

I didn't want this to be it for me, I didn't want to be it for her, I didn't want it to be it for us. Just having the ability to look at her from across the room sent my heart into a ravenous gallop. Imagine what her touch did to me. I wanted more of her, I wanted all of her. The only way I could have that was to live.

I didn't know how I could make that happen. If there was a will, there was a way. I felt my will to live return to me. I hadn't really had a reason to live the last year of my life, so why not die? Now, I had a newfound reason to go on in this life...and she was it.

I was looking forward to telling her myself. I'd planned a speech to say, to tell her how I felt. I'd dozed off waiting for her stubborn ass to get back here since I was pretty much bed bound. I heard someone rifling through my chart and I felt a jolt of anticipation wake me.

"You don't smell as good as Meredith." I mumbled with my eyes still closed.

"I don't have time to put on perfume." I heard in a deep voice... a deep, familiar voice.

My eyes slowly opened, and I looked at the large figure standing over my bedside.

"Richard." I breathed. "Let me guess, Meredith ran her mouth about me. Then, you just had to come see for yourself if it was your long-lost student? She is very chatty, in an adorable way. If I know you any, you're far too curious to let any hunch of yours go."

His lips pulled back into a smile "Bingo." His eyes turned serious "Why didn't you just tell me yourself that you were here?"

"You mean get first class service?" I scoffed and rolled my eyes, "Like that would make me any friends on the oncology playground."

"Derek." He sighed, "You need help."

"I didn't come here for help Richard." I said, "I came here to die. Apparently, I am going to get my wish."

"You're not."

"Really?" I asked out of pure curiosity, "Are you going to strap me down and force treatment on me until I am strong enough to chew through the restraints?"

"If I have to, yes."

I chuckled and shook my head, "Now, I know where she gets her stubborn streak."

"Have you seen her mother?" he raised his brow.

"I am so screwed." I mumbled.

"I scheduled OR2 for you tomorrow morning; I'm clearing mine and Ellis' surgeries, so we'll both be going in. We're going to remove all your tumors and every decrepit cell in your body. Then, we're going to set you up for a new trial bone marrow transplant that uses your own bone marrow, so you don't have to worry about your body rejecting it."

"Richard, do you have any idea how risky that surgery is? The survival rate is 15%."

"You're one in a million Derek." He answered without a beat, "You eat 15% chances for lunch."

I let out a heaving sigh, he was right. "I guess I'll see you in the morning then."

"Is there anything I can get for you before I go?"

"Meredith." I asked, "I'd like to tell her myself, if that's ok."

Richard nodded politely and left the room. I knew what he was after. He was thinking that he would save my life, then I would feel obligated to start working for him. Well, I suppose it would give me something to do while I was pining after Meredith.

Speaking of the woman, it was 20 minutes since Richard left, I was getting antsy. I heard shuffling outside my door and a pair of shoes scuffle inside. Her face looked swollen and red as if she'd been crying. She slowly looked up at me and seemed startled.

"You're alive." She sniffled.

"Well yes." I smiled, "You didn't think I was going to leave you already, did you?"

"I assumed when they paged me..."

"That's got to stop." I said firmly with a short sigh, "There are a few other things I'd like to lay down as well. For starters, you've really got to stop your running out the door thing. As someone once told me, it's really annoying when you're talking to a wall."

"Derek what is this about, I really can't—"

"Ah! Ah!" I interrupted her and held up a finger. She closed her mouth and widened her eyes in surprise, "It's my turn. We're taking turns from now on... it's only fair and polite, it also keeps me from yelling."

She rolled her eyes and gave me a nod as she crossed her arm.

"So, where were we?" I sighed into a smile, "No more assuming, no more running. I'd like you to come see me at least once every 8 hours, I find myself feeling anxious when I don't get to see you after a certain amount of time. I need to hear your voice. If you're pissed off at me, then come and fight, but at least come. Don't leave me hanging, at least not while I can't even chase after you. We're going to take turns with the remote from now on too, if I have to watch your crappy soap operas then you get to watch my trashy shows every other night too. When you lie in bed with me, I favor the right side over the left and spooning is a must on a nightly basis."

She pinched her brow and shook her head as she shifted her feet.

"What are you talking about Derek?"

I looked at her standing there completely lost and confused, but a beautiful glimmer of the desire to hope in her eyes shining through everything else. I smiled at that hope.

"I've lost more than I've gained in my life Meredith." I went on, "I've let go of what little I had and resolved to dying, that's what I set my mind to. I didn't have a reason to live...not until I came here, and I met you. In the three weeks you've known me you have pushed me and opened my eyes more than anyone sick or healthy. I'm bald, skinny, and lifeless. The way you see me, it's like I'm seven feet tall without an unhealthy bone in my body. You make me feel healthy Meredith, you make me want to go on living. If there is a chance that I get to spend the rest of my life with you, then it's worth any fight I have to put up."

"Derek Shepherd," she sniffled as she drifted to the side of my bed and sat down, "Are you saying that you want to live."

"I definitely want to live." I smiled, "You made me see that."

"By fighting with you and chewing your ass out?"

"Well." I smirked, "let's just say that surgery isn't your only skill."

"Sex!" she gasped with a shake of her head, "Sex is all it took to get you to change your mind? Hell, if I knew that I would have screwed you a long time ago."

I chuckled and rolled my eyes.

"It's more than just your incredible talent in bed." I smiled.

"Oh." She gulped, "Well, what else is it then?"

I reached up and stroked her soft cheek with my fingertips, "I'm in love with you, Meredith Grey."

Her breath hitched, and her eyes sparkled with tears as an involuntary smile sprung across her face.

"I can't tell you how good it feels to hear you say that." She whispered.

"If you say it again, I might get a good idea."

"I love you."

I pulled her lips to mine and kissed her soundlessly.

"I love you too."