Love gives hope

Chapter 37 "glimmer of hope"

Derek's Point-of View

I wasn't sure what was happening to me...or what had happened.

The last thing I remembered consciously doing was operating...and then I felt another sharp pain in my gut. I was folding over myself, and everything went black. The last thought in my mind before that was telling Meredith to go eat something.

I heard the sound of vital machines and the smell of saline and oxygen. I figured I must still be in the OR—that's exactly what the OR always smelled like to me. I hoped I wasn't on the floor for too long, and even more that Meredith hadn't seen it—she has enough to worry about.

I slowly opened my eyes to a dark hospital room—well this definitely wasn't where I last was.

I decided to go investigate and sucked in a deep breath. As I was about to hoist myself up, my large breath was followed by a powerful groan of pain and a sharp burning sensation filled my gut and pinned me to the bed.

"I wouldn't try to get up if I were you." The voice came from the corner of the room by the window where a set of chairs were, "You just had major abdominal surgery."

She stood up and walked across the room to the other side of it where the lightboard was hanging on the wall and flipped the light on. I squinted as I lifted up my arms and looked at the IV lines with clouded confusion. I looked back up at her as her face was numb from emotion—she studied the film on the screen as if she'd been in the field for years, I gulped as I tried to grasp at the explanation that was long overdue.

"You collapsed in the OR, in case you don't remember." She finally said, still looking at the screen as if it were the safe option, "You collapsed because the tumor growing around your bowels had finally ruptured the lower intestine. Causing internal bleeding and pressure...Dr. Grey and Dr. Webber worked very hard to resect your bowels and take as much of the tumor out as they could."

"Meredith." Was all I seemed to be able to croak. She pressed her lips together but refused to look at me.

"They weren't able to get to the one growing through your bladder, remaining kidney and the one growing inside your stomach. If you do nothing, you'll have about four months to live; if you undergo surgery to remove more of the tumor and some radiation therapy...you'll have about seven months, but you'll at least get to know your son or daughter a little." She said...her voice finally showing a hint of emotion, she pressed her fingers against her lips to stifle a sob and breathed deeply. "It's all wrapped around your abdomen, which is why we never saw anything on the chest x-rays...because it wasn't in your chest." She finally turned and looked at me—her face void of emotion, but her eyes were full and then some "You knew that already..."

"I didn't want you to worry." I whispered with a gulp, "I wanted you to enjoy this pregnancy."

"Because it'll be my last?" she said, her voice shaking as she took a step closer, her hands quivering at her side. "Because you don't plan on being around to make any other pregnancies?"

"Meredith." I breathed as I tiredly rested my head back against the pillow, "You know the answer to that...you practically had to drag me into treatment kicking and screaming last time."

"Yeah, well I also thought that I meant a lot more to you this time than I did last time." She hissed, "Forgive my mistake."

"Meredith." I groaned as she slapped the light off and turned for the door "Baby please...don't leave me."

She stopped and dipped her head as if she were pinching her nose to let out a few stubborn tears, until finally she sniffled into a deep breath and turned around; her eyes red and wet.

"Why shouldn't I leave." She panted, "When you're planning on leaving me."

"I don't have a choice."

"You do!" she shouted, then gulped to calm herself, "You do have a choice...but you've already made it. Like making the choice not to tell me you were sick, making the choice to keep this from me...not trusting me to handle this."

"I do trust you."

"Could've fooled the hell out of me!" she muttered and crossed her arms over her chest "I may not be your doctor anymore Derek...but I am a doctor. I am not going to fall over and cry myself into a puddle on the floor."

"No." I croaked "You would've wanted me to fight—and I'm done fighting."

"You're done fighting." She grimaced—her looks could've killed me, they did. "I'm not...I'm not done fighting, I'm not done fighting Derek—You may have lived with this for over a decade, but I haven't. I'm not done fighting and I'm certainly not done loving you!"

"I know baby." I felt my eyes water and lifted my arm "Please...come here."

"No." she shook her head.

"Please." I whispered rhaspily "I need you."

"I hate you." She said through her teeth as her eyes filled with tears.

"No you don't." I said weakly with as much of a smile as I could give her.

"No, I don't." she repeated as she tried hard to not cry, "I love you...which is why I hate you."

"You hate loving me?" I couldn't hide the hurt in my eyes... a streak of guilt flashed through her eyes, and she practically leaped to my side and sat at the edge of my bed and grabbed my hand.

"No." she sniffled "No don't say that...I don't regret loving you, I don't hate loving you...I hate that you're so stubborn. I hate that—I hate that you don't want to live."

"Are you kidding?" I wheezed, "You think I don't want to stick around? You think I don't want to watch our baby grow, make more babies, and sit on the front porch with you when we're old? I want all of those things Meredith."

"Then, why are you giving up?" she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek. I reached up and caught it with my thumb and sighed.

"Because, I'm dying." I replied softly, "I don't want to die bald and lifeless—I want to die with the energy to smile, to kiss you, and to hold our baby."

She swallowed something hard and deep as she stared down at the sheet for a long moment in thought, before lifting her eyes to meet mine. She let out a breath she'd held for a long while and did her best to attempt a smile at me.

"So, that's it?" she gulped "You just expect me to sit here and let you do this—to let you die?"

"Yes."

She held her pride in as she nodded and then lowered herself down to lay next to me in the bed, she was careful not to make me move any, but formed against my body and laid her head on my shoulder.

"Ok." She softly mumbled.

"Ok?" I frowned, "No fight, no ultimatums?"

"No." she said, though I could hear the sadness in her voice, "As a doctor, I have to say it's the stupidest decision you'll make in your short life... but as your wife, I respect your decision... I think this world will be a worse place without you in it."

I leaned the best I could and kissed the top of her head as I lifted my other hand over, rested it on her belly, and gently rubbed my fingers over it.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, "I wish things could be different...but unless you have a magic cure for cancer up your sleeve; this is it."

She breathed out a long sigh as she was quiet for a moment.. Then, picked up her head a little to watch my hand rub over her stomach. As if a light bulb had been flipped on inside her head, she looked up at me.

"Maybe not up my sleeve." She said, "Up my shirt."

"What?" I frowned as confusion clouded over my brain.

She gulped as a flicker of hope glimmered in her eyes and she whispered, "Derek...cord blood."

I gulped at the instant knot forming in my throat as I felt a strong kick under my palm and for the first time felt life at my fingertips.

Not just my child's...mine as well.