Quiet | BTS ✓

36

"September 5, 2018

Today, Yoongi called himself my friend. It was strange to hear, but I think it made me happy. I haven't been happy in so long, I've nearly forgotten what that feels like.

Mr. Min has assigned us to compose and perfom a piece about loss. And while I'm relieved that it'll only have to be performed in front of him, it still makes me nervous to write a song solely based on that emotion. I've lost so much- nearly everything, in fact. Can I portray that emotion without succumbing to that endless despair that re-living my painful past comes with?

Anyway, Hobi invited Yoongi to dinner at our apartment, which was strange because we usually keep to ourselves; Hobi works and I wallow in the fact that I can't even tell Hobi how much I appreciate him. I can only smile and hope that my facial expressions are enough for him to understand. But he invited Yoongi over, and while it was a strange feeling, I'm not sure that I disliked it. It was nice to have him there, though he pushed too far again. He keeps trying to edge his way in, but I'm too scared to let down that wall. What if, after I've opened myself up and let him see, he leaves? I can't do that to myself. I'm too broken already.

But the strange thing? When I went to shut myself in my room to be alone, he followed me. He said he wanted to check on me. Instead of letting me go, he decided to gently push further into my life, a push so gentle that I hardly noticed it. I can tell he wants me to open up, and the more I learn about him, the more I want to let him in. And while in my room, I realized just how much he really does understand me. The things he pointed out are things I never thought I would hear come from anyone but my own mind. But Yoongi hears me.

Hobi seems to like him; he even told Yoongi to call him 'Hobi,' which is the nickname I gave him the day we met.

I'm so glad he has another friend to call him that; he's always loved nicknames.

Tonight ended in a surprising way. I learned more about Yoongi. He told us about his past with his parents, and he also expressed that he really does understand; he hears the emotions when I play and he is also learning about my facial expressions and what I'm trying to convey.

He really does want me to let him in.

He hugged me... and I hugged him back. I've decided that maybe this stranger isn't such a stranger anymore. He's a friend."

"September 6, 2018

I've decided to try to open up to him; he deserves for me to try since he's tried so hard to get me to open up. And he opened up to me last night so I figured it's only fair. I asked him if I could come listen to him practice tonight. I really want to hear him play again.

He kept staring at me in class, and he even wrote me a note that said, 'You look beautiful when you smile like that.' It was unexpected and I'm pretty sure I blushed like an idiot, but I couldn't help it. He makes me nervous.

I decided to keep the note. I've put it in the back of this journal for safe keeping.

I heard him play again. He told me about his story, about his past. And then he played, showing me the emotions ingrained within his story; his sadness, regret and pain. I've never heard pain portrayed in such a flawless, beautiful way. When he finished, I realized he was crying. And without even thinking, I wiped his pain from his face and let him collapse into my arms. I realize now why he understands me so well; he hears his own pain in my music. He's hurting too, and I felt so drawn to him in that moment. I wanted nothing more than to show him that I am here.

I decided to text him and tell him goodnight. I don't write notes and I don't text unless I need to; words betrayed me long ago, leaving me with no voice and no way for people to understand me. It's like the day I stopped speaking was the day everyone decided that words would no longer work on me. All I got were sad looks, sad smiles, half-hearted hugs... nobody wants to have a one-sided conversation. It's like they were scared to speak to me; like I would be angry with them for using such a luxury when I lost my ability to use my voice. So words aren't something I appreciate as much as I used to; once I found music, I didn't need the words anymore. All I needed were the instruments to be my voice. I don't know why I felt compelled to write notes to him in class; I don't know why I felt compelled to text him goodnight. But I did. And when he texted me back and called me beautiful again, I found myself smiling."

"September 7, 2018

I asked Yoongi to come over this weekend. He's going to Hobi's dance recital tomorrow, but I wouldn't see him on Sunday. And I'm not sure why, but I don't like the thought of not seeing him for a day. So he's coming over on Sunday to work on our duet, and I can't wait to spend some more time with him outside of school. Having him over for dinner was a nice experience; I enjoyed having him over to just hang out with.

Hobi had to work today, so I had to have Yoongi take me home. I get kind of frustrated because he sometimes forgets that I can't answer him back normally and he asks complex questions that I can't just nod or shake my head to. But I can tell he's doing his best to understand me completely.

He pushed on that wall again; only this time, I showed him that I wasn't upset about it. I like the idea of letting Yoongi know more about me. It's not so terrifying anymore."

"September 8, 2018

Today changed everything.

We went to Hobi's dance recital, and he performed so beautifully, as he always has. I am forever proud of my best friend; he means the world to me, and even if I can't verbally express it, I will always do my best to remind him of how special he truly is.

Yoongi met Hobi's parents tonight, and they instantly clicked as I expected. Mr. and Mrs. Jung, along with Hobi, have been that unwavering support that I always had. The fact that Yoongi gets along with my family means the world to me. Yoongi is very quickly becoming more than just a stranger. So much more.

After the recital, I noticed Yoongi had disappeared, and my instincts told me to check the music room; when I went in there, I found him playing through his pain again. I think maybe he became overwhelmed by all of the love he was being shown because it's not something he knew growing up. So I helped him. I held onto him while he let his emotions out through the music and through his tears.

When he told me that he's scared to lose me, that's when I realized that he really does feel that exact same connection that I feel with him. So I kissed him. Because I needed him to feel my unspoken words; I needed him to understand that whatever he is feeling, I feel it too.

Today changed everything."