Tell Me I'm an Angel (Frerard)

Private Angel Log Entry Twenty-One

Private Angel Log Entry Twenty-One

"Frank...are you okay?" Billie Joe asked after a long period of silence, during which I had simply followed my friends aimlessly, leaving the blood stained sands behind us. I still clutched Gerard's body in my arms tightly; Brendon had offered to carry him for me, but I had refused, and he hadn't pressed the matter.

"No," I answered truthfully, because I wasn't okay, and I probably never would be, but that was just my new reality, and I would have to learn to deal with that.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't help you more," Billie whispered.

"It wasn't your fault. I'm just glad you are still alive."

"Do you want to bury him? I still need to lay Ryan to rest...I stored his body not far from here," Brendon choked out in a strained voice.

"Okay," I responded numbly, because even though I didn't want to put Gerard in the ground, I knew it was something that needed to be done. I cringed at the thought though, because then I would truly never be able to hold him again, and even though the body in my arms wasn't really Gerard - not anymore, because it was his laugh, and his smile, and his soul that made him who he was, not this shell of flesh and bone, but it was still the last tie I had to him.

"Ryan isn't too much farther...but I don't want to place his grave here, it's too barren. They both deserve to be buried somewhere beautiful," Brendon continued on, and I nodded in acknowledgement, trying my best to fight back the wave of jealousy that had risen in my heart.

Because - yes, Ryan had died, but Brendon would still be reunited with him. Any moment now, his soul would rematerialize in Heaven, and Brendon would have his lover back, but Gerard and I would never get that chance.

That wasn't to say that I didn't feel terrible that Ryan had fallen, because I did, but I couldn't squash my unruly emotions that envied Brendon this second chance. I would give anything for just one more minute with Gerard...

"I can't fly," I muttered quietly when I realized that everyone was waiting for my response, my wounded wing twitched as if to illustrate that fact. Even though Billie Joe had healed me, it had been a slapdash job, and only the wound had closed. My bones were still twisted and disfigured, and I wasn't sure if I would ever regain my gift of flight.

"It's okay, someone can carry you. Ray is going to join us soon with Mikey and Bob..." Brendon explained.

We walked a bit farther before reaching a natural cavern created out of rock and sand where Brendon had hidden Ryan's body. He gathered him into his arms in a manner similar to the way I was carrying Gerard, and I had to turn away from the sorrowful picture they presented.

I waited in silence for the others to arrive; Brendon was babbling on about some site he had picked out for the graves, but I didn't care. No matter where I laid Gerard to rest, it would never be good enough for him, not even if I built him a monument out of gold, but I knew that Brendon was just talking to cover up his pain, so I let him continue on without interruption.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed when I heard Ray and Bob's familiar flight pattern, and another that I didn't recognize. When I glanced up, my friends were winging their way toward us quickly, but that wasn't what made my lips twitch into the parody of a smile, a true grin was too much for me to produce right now.

No - it was the sight of Mikey's new wings that did that, because fuck they were beautiful. His feathers were almost pure white in color, and the thick plumage fit him much better than his old skeletal wings ever had.

"Hey guys," Mikey smiled as he touched down beside us, his happy expression falling from his face when he laid eyes on Gerard's body.

"Wow Mikey...your wings are amazing!" Billie Joe gushed, stepping closer to him so he could get a better look at his pinions.