Tell Me I'm an Angel (Frerard)

Private Angel Log Entry Five

Private Angel Log Entry Five

I can't sleep...every time I try, I am jolted awake by visions of Pete's bloody body...my mind refuses to let me rest, and I don't deserve it after what I have done. All of my senses are on overdrive, and I can't seem to relax. My body seems to be punishing me for the sin I have committed...I feel physically ill, my skin is burning up, and my stomach is roiling angrily.

Currently, I am trying to distract myself so I don't wake Gerard, he is still healing, and he needs his rest. He has done enough for me tonight anyway, without him, I would still be an inconsolable wreck.

I don't really know what to write, so I think I will just record what happened earlier today. If Heaven does manage to get its hands on me, at least they will know what really happened to Pete...he deserves that much. Oh god - I still can't believe I killed him...

I hate what I have become so much...someone save me from myself, because I am losing sight of who I am, and it terrifies me...

When I winged away from our hiding place, I truly didn't anticipate running into any problems. I had hidden our trail well, and no one knew of my secret dwelling in Heaven, so I thought we were going to be granted a few days of peace.

I underestimated their determination to find me though, I foolishly thought that once I had been missing for a few days that they would return to their original duties and forget all about me. Why couldn't they just let me go? I had made my choice, and nothing anyone did or said could change that.

I sensed Pete long before I saw him, his aura was familiar to me because of how long we had served together, and I did my best to lose him. He had always been an excellent tracker though, and despite my best efforts, he tailed me for hours. I was a faster flyer than him, and I could have kept up our game of cat and mouse for longer, but I decided to face him and try to talk him down.

I thought I would be able to convince him to leave me be if he understood everything that had been happening lately...I was such an idiot for trying...I should have kept running. If I had, Pete might still be alive right now.

I waited for him to appear in a deserted clearing, finally, his shaggy black hair came into view, and I drew my sword as a precautionary measure. His own long sword was already clenched firmly in his hand, but I wasn't worried.

Years ago, angels used to hunt demons together in squadrons before our ranks had been reduced so drastically. Pete and I had been on the same squad, so I knew his strengths and weakness inside and out. I had always come out on top in all of our practice battles, and I knew I could overpower him again. He was too headstrong when he fought, he never gave himself enough time to react to a counterattack, and with my speed, I was a force to be reckoned with.

"Don't come any closer Pete!" I called out once he was within earshot of my voice. He pulled up and began to hover in place, but he didn't sheathe his weapon, so neither did I.

"You have no right to tell me what to do anymore Frank. You lost all of your privileges when you abandoned Heaven," Pete spat out.

"I didn't want to leave...I was driven out by the archangels! Please just let me explain my side before you make your decision!" I pleaded desperately.

"No! I don't want to hear any more words from your lying mouth. The archangels told us you have been corrupted by a demon, so you can't be trusted!" Pete roared as he threw himself at me. I deflected his blow easily, then backed out of his reach. I didn't want to fight him...this was my friend.

"That isn't true. I am not under any spell. You just don't understand! Not all demons are evil...if you would just listen to me..."

"Shut up!" Pete screamed as he barreled toward me again.