Tell Me I'm an Angel (Frerard)

Private Angel Log Entry Two

Private Angel Log Entry Two

I am a sinner and a liar...I am no longer worthy of the title angel. The wrongdoings I have committed are steadily growing, and I don't know how to stop this vicious cycle besides doing the impossible and eliminating Gerard...

It had started out small, just little omissions here and there. I continued to kill any demon I came across without pity - except for Gerard. I didn't think my fascination with him could grow any stronger, but after speaking to him outside of that coffee shop, I realized I was well and truly lost.

I kept no official record of my meetings with him, I couldn't have anyone know about my failure to destroy him, or else another angel would be assigned to do what I could not.

At first, I worried about hiding the usual stench that clung about us after demon encounters, but Gerard's was actually quite pleasant, and wasn't immediately associated with their foul kind. Even so, I had to bathe often to remove it from my feathers, and I bemoaned the task. I wanted the simple reminder of him to follow me throughout the entire day...but I couldn't risk it.

Ray is my main worry right now...he is insanely suspicious of my changing behavior. Even though I have been trying to act as inconspicuous as possible, I could not conceal the giddy joy I felt bubbling out of me after my stolen moments with Gerard.

When I had returned from one such meeting, he had taken me aside and begged me to tell him what was happening with me. He swore to secrecy, but I can't reveal the existence of Gerard to anyone. It pains me to do so, since he is my best friend, and I have never hid anything from him before, but it is necessary.

I believe he thinks I am rendezvousing with a human love, even though this is frowned upon because of the possibility of creating a nephilim child, it is not exactly a sin, but if he knew that not only was I seeing a demon, but that I was beginning to harbor feelings for him as well, he would have no choice but to kill me on the spot.

And to top it all off, I had kissed him...well technically - he had kissed me first, but I had definitely reciprocated. God what a kiss...it had been absolutely magical. I haven't felt that way since before I was alive, and I doubt I will ever feel a passion like that as long as I exist.

It had shocked me at first; in the back of my mind, I had been carrying a secret crush on Gerard, but I had never fathomed that he felt that same way. I had certainly not been attracted to males before - even in life, but there was just something special about that demon. I couldn't deny my feelings once our lips collided, and honestly - it had scared me senseless.

The world had seemed to fall away, and all my doubts and worries about right and wrong, good and evil, had disappeared. He had awoken a fire inside my heart that had been dormant ever since my death, and it is scorching me with its intensity.

But what did I expect to come out of this budding romance? Best case scenario, we would have to hide our love forever, stealing kisses in between assignments and praying that no other angel destroyed Gerard while I was away. Worst case...we were caught and killed...separated forever by the final death.

I don't know if I can live with those fears clouding my mind every day. I would do anything for Gerard, but I worried that the constant deception would be an overhanging cloud eclipsing our happiness.

So I ran...like a coward, I abandoned Gerard and fled from my overwhelming emotions.

He probably hates me now, and I wouldn't blame him. He had been so brave, daring to kiss me and risking rejection, even after all he had been through, he still took the leap, while I sat there paralyzed by my uncertainties.

What am I supposed to do now? I have to go and apologize to him, but that won't fix all of our problems. It won't be long before others besides Ray begin to voice their suspicions about my inability to find and destroy Gerard, and he has made too much of a name for himself to be ignored by Heaven for much longer. I wasn't sure how long I could continue the facade that I was still searching for him before the assignment was taken from me.

But first things first...I still had to research a way to save Gerard, check up on Mikey, and most importantly, think of how I was going to beg Gerard for forgiveness.

I feel like I am constantly apologizing about how short my chapters are, but this one is extra short, and I really am sorry. I just wanted to explain what Frank was feeling after he took off, and I couldn't think of much else to add to this chapter.

Expect another update tomorrow, but after that I probably won't be able to update for the rest of the week because I will be super busy, but I might find some time to write on the road trip, so maybe I will surprise you guys.

Keep running :P

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