The Cult [h.s]

~thirty one~

"I see you when you cry
When you're shy
When you want to die
I see you when you smile
It takes a while
At least you're here"

~I See You, Missio

Harry's POV

I fucked up big time.

That wasn't supposed to happen. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." 

What the hell did I do? Did I just do it in public? In front of Alena?

Holy shit, I can't even imagine how horrible she must have felt. How horrible she must be feeling exactly at this moment. 

Did I just yell at her all that? The things that I should have never said to her no matter how much it haunts me, deep inside. What happened to my self control?

I really did a number this time and I don't know how to make it up to her. I always have plan for everything, solution for every danger, a way out of  every misconduct in missions. But this time for my reckless stupid behaviour, I can't think a single damn thing that would help me out of this exposure I created. 

She would never want me or would like me to be around her. I can't believe I fucking yelled at her on something that she is sensitive to. Something she doesn't have control over. Something I knew damn too well that would hurt her and draw her away from me.

I am an idiot. I am an asshole. The biggest one of all.

I tug on my hair in frustration, pacing the length of my living room. My hands getting all sweaty and my throat closing up making me feel nauseous. I am getting sick of myself.

After I yelled at her like the fucking psychopath I am, I ran out of there to be alone. As soon as I came back to my senses I got away from her. It was too late and I had shown too much of myself to her, way too much then I intended to show to anyone in this goddamn world. She wasn't supposed to see all this. Hell, she wasn't supposed to see anything at all. This was supposed to stay within me and me only.

I needed to be away from her. I needed to be alone to deal with myself from turning into a complete monster and end up hurting her in some way. That is what I always do, when I become a monster, I hurt the only person right in front of me, my first aim, my first target. It doesn't matter who that is, my anger just comes out involuntarily.

I would have never forgiven myself if something had happened to Alena because of my ruthless condition. Because of my uncontrolled fluctuating anger issues.

By the time I exited the HQ, my temper had gone down somehow. That has never happened to me before. When something like this happens, it usually takes me hours to get myself under control but this time I recovered quick enough to my surprise which was interesting according to my past episodes.

I somehow drove myself back home at full speed, not wanting to be around anyone. If I had stayed around someone for even more than thirty seconds with my condition on, I would damn surely end up killing someone.

As freshly now I remember everything I shouted at her, I loathe myself more. I hated myself already for being like this. Being like an experiment in this world. Being an accidental experiment due to my act of foolishness. 

Today wasn't supposed to go like this. It wasn't supposed to be so horrible. It wasn't supposed to go by me turning into a complete monster. I just wanted to ask Alena to go out with me or maybe to hangout with me but now I see that it is never gonna happen, ever. Not in my biggest fantasies.