Far from home|KTH

8 years of love

Eight years of love was staring back at her again. Eight years of being the best of friends.

That comfortable and familiar face that she knew better than her own. His smile was still warm and comforting, caring. Inviting. His eyes still had the same warmth and comforting gaze.

It was like she never left weirdly, everything was just as it always had been.

Just one exception: she wasn't the same.

She looked the same on the outside which was confusing, but nothing about her was the same.

Jin held her for a while, stroking her back slowly.
After he let go she met him with a smile, gazing at his brown eyes to try and figure out what was going on behind them.

He wasn't one to let his feelings show, he was a master at hiding them deeply. He considered everyone else before himself, it was just the way he was.

"Let's go home, the car is just outside", he said and grabbed her bag.

She nodded and followed him, watching him walk in front of her. A sharp feeling of guilt and nervousness cut through her gut. There were conversations they needed to have but he showed no signs of wanting them so far. He pretended like everything was fine.

She got into the familiar passenger seat and closed the door. They drove off in silence, both focusing on the road ahead.

It wasn't unusual for them to be quiet, but this felt uncomfortable and awkward, like riding with a stranger. In a way that was true; she was a stranger to him at this moment. She just wasn't sure if he had realised that yet.

Her phone buzzed, a text from Tae lighting up her screen. Her heart skipped a beat and her gut flipped.

"Did you arrive?? I miss you so much ".

She turned her phone upside down, not answering it. It just wasn't the right time.

She observed Jin closely from her seat. His face was serious and concentrated.

It was surprising that he even came to pick her up. He had been silent lately, giving her space. With the way things turned out in LA she would not have been surprised if he wanted nothing to do with her.

A hint of annoyance flashed through her. Why was he always so reliable, so understanding , so polite?
She wished he would just scream at her in frustration instead. That would have been easier to handle in a way and far more fair. On the other hand she had given him a fair warning of what went on over there the past months, and he was still choosing to be here right now. That was on him. 

Her mind was working quickly right now trying to figure out what he wanted to know and what she was willing to share. These conversations were not going to be easy.

The elevator ride up to their apartment was still silent. She followed him through the hallway to the door and they entered the apartment.

The smell of her old life hit her like a brick when she entered the apartment. It was strangely familiar but nothing she knew anymore or even wanted.  It was like entering the past, not knowing how to handle it and what to do with the emotions. 

She took a deep breath and dropped her bag on the floor before entering the living room. Her eyes scanned it, looking for any changes, but it was all the same.

"How does it feel to be home again 6 months later?", Jin asked carefully.

She looked at him with a confused look on her face. 

"It feels very strange and confusing...", she replied. "Everything looks just like when I left but still nothing is the same..it's confusing, it will take me a moment to figure out how I feel, to adjust. Right now I just feel numb and tired".

He nodded and sat down in the couch.

"Emma...I know that things happened over there, I'm not stupid. I also know that you might not be ready to share with me yet...but I'm willing to listen when you are ready. I just know that I missed you and I'm happy that you are here. Just know that".

She watched him from where she was standing. Their joint life flashing in front of her eyes. She used to be crazy in love with this man once upon a time, so in love that she moved across the world.

What happened to them during the past eight years for them to end up in this moment right here, in this cross roads?

She walked to him and sat down next to him, grabbing his hand.

"Jin, I'm sorry. Just know that I'm sorry for everything I put you through. You didn't deserve any of this, it's not your fault. I'm just very confused right now... I need some time to just settle in and gain some perspective on what happened these past months. I can't wrap my head around it just yet".

"I know...", he replied with a slight smile. "I'm always here for you, you know that. Regardless of what you decide. You are my best friend...at least you used to be".

She hugged him tightly, smelling the familiar scent of his musk perfume on his skin.

"I need a nap, I'm exhausted ", she said and got up from the couch.

There wasn't anything else she wanted to say right now, she just couldn't.

He nodded, understandingly.

She made her way to bedroom, changing into some comfortable loungewear. The covers of the bed felt inviting and she crawled underneath, smelling the scent of fresh laundry. She loved that smell.

She looked at her phone, finally in a place to answer Tae. He had sent her more than one message and she scrolled through them, soaking up the affections he expressed for her. She missed him miserably already. It was just that her mind had not comprehend that she wasn't on the same continent as him anymore.

"Hey Tae, I just arrived home. I'm exhausted from the trip but I arrived safely. I miss you too"

"Wish you were here 💜", he replied.

"Me too💜".

She put her phone down and closed her eyes. So many memories and priceless life changing experiences flashed in front of her. She didn't know what to do with any of them. In this moment she just felt like she was on a vacation from LA. That she would return soon. Her mind wasn't ready to grasp the fact that this was home.

Maybe she would gain some clarity when she was energized again, recovered from the past days emotional rollercoaster.

She desperately wished she would. She needed answers.