Far from home|KTH

Shattered

Everyday life was catching up with Emma. Jin had returned to work, but she wasn't ready yet. She knew that Namjoon, Suga and Vanessa were all back to work, but she decided that she needed a few weeks off to clear her mind.

Walking was her best friend right now. It was a way to escape the apartment and find some peace of mind. Peace of mind wasn't easy though, it was proving to be almost impossible. The magic of Tae was everywhere she went, and even though he was on the other side of the world, she felt his presence strongly.

She opened the door to the appartement after a long walk and sat down in the couch. She stared at the view in front of her, none of it still feeling any more familiar or home. All she felt was lost.

Emotions overwhelmed her in her loneliness, they often did these days. She cried more than she laughed. Her heart was breaking everyday, Tae's texts not helping the situation at all. It hurt to speak to him, but it hurt more not to. It wasn't a situation either of them could win at. The feeling of missing someone like this was new to both of them.

She facetimed him to find him at home in his loneliness too, in the same misery she lived in.

"Hi...", she said with a slight smile.

"Hey beautiful", he replied gazing at her with sad eyes.

"I wish you were here", he continued, trying his best to smile through the sadness.

"Me too", Emma replied, tears overflowing her eyes.

"Come on babe, don't do that. I can't bare to see you cry", he said, looking away and swallowing his own tears. "You are breaking my heart even more...should be impossible but it's true".

"I just miss you more than life...I have never missed anyone like this, it's like a part of me is missing", she said wiping the tears from her eyes with her sleeve. "Like I can't live like this..."

"I know...I wished for you to be happy, but all I see is tears and sadness Emma", he said, resting his head on his arm and leaning closer to his phone, gazing at her with his beautiful soulful eyes. "You deserve to be happy, that's all I want".

"How can I be happy without you?", she replied, still wiping her never ending stream of tears.

"Babe...You chose to go home...to gain some clarity. I'm still here if that's where you want to be...I would love nothing more, but I think that you would be just as broken here...Nothing is still solved and you have been home for a month", he answered.

It wasn't his job to make her feel better, it was his job to be honest with her.

"I don't know anything anymore", she replied, burying her face in her hands and shaking uncontrollably of her grief.

"Love...I wish I could help you with that, but it's a journey you have to take on your own. I'm here if you need me, but you have to take that walk alone", he said softly, not wanting to upset her more.

He watched her cry, every fiber in his body aching to hold her, to comfort her. He missed her smiling face, her laughter and giggles that so often filled his days before. These days the sound of her sadness echoed in his mind, driving him insane.

"I feel like I will never forget or get you...and it's devastating. I don't want to forget someone who is the love of my life for sure...but if I can't have you...then what should I do? How can I ever move on from these feelings I have for you...I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life looking for someone like you and it will be a terrible failure...There is just one of you love", he said in a sad tone.

Emma finally looked up with a confused look on her face.

"Why would you want to forget me? I could never do that with you, I don't want to either", she said annoyed.

"Tell me what to do if you don't choose me...honestly I feel like that chance is very low...I'm just being realistic", he replied, his heart aching from every word he uttered. "This is all just too painful".

"It's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life", Emma replied, her words turning soft again. "Tae, I love you more than life. But I don't want to be the cause of your pain, I don't want you to hurt because I'm a mess".

"It's not up to you if I hurt...It will hurt regardless, with or without you, there is no winning", he replied, gazing at her dead serious.

Emma stared back, looking for answers in his eyes. All she saw was grief and she couldn't handle being the cause of this beautiful souls pain.

Some clarity suddenly appeared in her mind.

This wasn't fair at all towards him. Regardless of how bad it hurt, she knew she needed to do the right thing. She swallowed hard, gathering all the strength she could find for the next sentence.

"Tae...".

"Yeah".

"This isn't fair anymore to either one of us", she said with a shaky voice.

"Dont...", he plead, his eyes watering quickly, panic spreading like a glass shattering against the floor inside of him. He shook his head intensely. He knew where she was going with this.

"Tae...love...I'm only hurting you right now, we can't keep having these discussions on a daily basis, crying our eyes out. It's not healthy", she said, with every inch of her regretting each word, but it was still the best for him, for them.

"What are you saying?", he asked with clear frustration.

She looked down and gathered herself.

"I'm saying I'm releasing you from this suffering...I'm letting you go", she said, breaking down in the same moment, her sniffles filling the air.

"Don't do this", he kept pleading."Please...I don't care how little I have of you, I will accept anything, just stay in my life".

"I can't Tae, it's not fair. I want you to be happy again and I'm only making you sad", she replied while gasping for air.

This was the hardest conversation she ever had in her life. Her gut was turning, nausea spreading, her breath getting caught in her chest. It felt like suffocating watching his tears and listening to him plead.

"Emma no no no....just don't. We didn't get this far just to end like this!!!", he screamed in frustration.

"Just remember the good parts please, don't remember me like this, don't remember us like this. Remember the magic, the love, the beautiful moments...don't remember the tears and heartache. Think of us like a beautiful story and make your own happy ending for it, and hold on to what that feels like", she replied, her voice breaking.

"There is no point to even live if you are not in my life. What should I do without you? I don't want to", he continued in his panicked state, phasing the room, sitting down, getting up again to continue phasing. "Emma, I'm beggin you, please baby!".

"It's better this way Tae. Be well, be happy. Promise me Tae", she said, wiping her tears with her tear drenched sleeve.

He didn't answer anymore, he was unable to. No pain he had ever endured in his life measured up to this moment of loosing her. He knew that the possibility was always present, but he didn't think that he actually would lose her, not like this. He thought he would at least get a chance to convince her.

"Tae please...I love you. Be happy", she whispered, not knowing if he heard her.

His body was shaking, his cries heartbreaking.

"Just know that I was happiest with you", she said and hung up.

Her body gave up, her soul shattering to pieces. She knew that she had to let him go against her will. It wasn't fair to drag him along on her journey of self discovery, they would not survive if she did.

Just like her and Jin didn't survive.