Far from home|KTH

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Shit. Shit. Shit.

This was not what he planned, not what he had in mind.

Come to think of it, he didn't know what he had in mind. He spent so much time trying to come to an acceptance that Emma wasn't coming back, that there was no hope for them. He tried so hard to spend time with Maddy, to feel something else than grief and pain.

It got complicated when Maddy became something constant, someone to lean on in a way, someone that made him forget at times. Comfort.

He never imagined in his wildest dreams that these two worlds would collide at some point. His memories with Emma were slowly fading into just beautiful memories.

When he knocked on Emma's door earlier today, he had no expectations, he wasn't even sure that it would feel the same as it did before. It did, it felt stronger than before.

Things just developed quickly from that moment on and he went with it, went with his desires, never even taking the time to reflect on what was happening.

This was them, the problem with them as much as the magic with them. Time just passed so naturally in each others company and nothing else mattered.

During their whole relationship there was always collateral damage. First it was Jin and now it was Maddy. Innocent people who hurt because of them, who wanted nothing but to love them, nothing but the best for them as individuals.

He cursed himself for not being able to love Maddy the way he loved Emma. The way he loved Emma wasn't healthy, but he had no choice. Maddy could have been a healthy relationship.

He got out of his car and walked slowly up the stairs to his apartment, still confused, still frustrated about the situation he was in.

He sighed heavily and his eyes fell on Maddy. She was sitting by his door waiting for him.

His heart dropped. He wasn't ready for this conversation with her, not even sure of what he wanted to say. But he owed her.

"Maddy...I'm sorry", was all he could say.

"Sorry for what?", she asked as her cried out eyes met his.

He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know....everything", he replied and offered her his hand to help her up from the floor.

She gazed at him for a second, biting her lower lip to prevent it from trembling.Eventually she accepted his hand and found herself face to face with him. With the one that hurt her the most.

He opened the door and she followed him inside. It wasn't a conversation she wanted to have, nothing besides pain could come out of it, she knew it too well. He was complicated and she thought that she could change him, make him hers eventually.

After tonight she knew that it would never be the case. Not when she existed. She became painfully aware of that he never looked at her the way he looked at Emma tonight.

She sat down next to him on the couch.

"Why can't it be me?", she asked quietly with a shaky voice.

Tae gazed at her with a sad expression in his eyes. Her question was fair and he asked himself the same one many times.

"I asked myself that question many times....I wish it could be you...you have been nothing but great", he replied with a heavy heart.

Thats answer hurt more than she thought it would.

"Great...I tried to be what you needed and at some point I thought I might have succeeded", she said.

"You did in a way...to be honest...I thought that I would never see her again, I had accepted that", he said and looked down at his hands.

"But Tae...that's the whole issue with us, I was never your first choice, I was just a replacement, the next best thing...Don't you think I deserve better?", she asked with teary eyes.

"You do. I thought I would get there someday with you...I honestly did", he replied, gazing at her with apologetic eyes. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you".

She nodded and looked away.

"This is going to sound really hurtful but I want to be honest with you. Emma...she is someone I can't forget. Even if she wouldn't have come back here, she would always have been on my mind. She is that special to me. I'm not saying you weren't, I'm very grateful to you, for being there for me in a very dark time in my life. But it's not fair for me to drag you further along when I know that I can't forget her, not even if I tried. Our bond is that strong and we hurt a lot of people on our way because of it. We both tried to ignore it, tried to do the right thing, but it was impossible. That's the hold we have on each other", he said hesitantly.

It wasn't kind words, but it was the truth and maybe it would be a help for her to understand.

"I know...It's not completely your fault. I knew but I stayed regardless....because I fell in love with you, I couldn't leave. She is lucky, very lucky. You are wonderful", she replied.

He let out a soft chuckle.

"I wasn't to you...and still you are here,being heartbroken but yet understanding. I wish I could give you more, life with you would be easy", he said with a sad gaze.

"Stop Tae, don't make it worse. The truth hurts but at least it is the truth", she said, gazing back  at him. "I have no regrets though, just know that".

He smiled and nodded.

"One last hug?", he asked carefully.

She nodded and let him embrace her, taking in the magical scent that was him, the feel of his touch, closing her eyes and trying her best to memorize it all.

"Thank you and I'm sorry, I wish you the best", he whispered, slowly stroking her back.

"Me too, I'm sorry and I wish things could be different", she replied and let go off him slowly.

She left him alone, wondering if she ever would be back here again.

As strong as her sadness and disappointment was, was also her curiosity. It wasn't healthy or even productive, it was petty but she had to know. She needed to know who took him away from her, who had that hold on him, who had his heart even after breaking it. Who was behind that ghost of a woman she had been living in shadow off.

"Hey...could I ask for some of your time perhaps? Please?".