Far from home|KTH

What if

Timing really was being as ironic as it could right now.

Tae stared at his phone at work with his favorite name finally lighting up his screen. The name he had waited to see for months.

But it had been months.

Many months filled with darkness and sadness and at some point he needed to make a decision and save himself. He couldn't continue in that state.

At some point, he wasn't really sure of exactly when, the grief turned into acceptance. Her silence had a strong message and he had to believe it, even though everything in him told him not to. But it was survival, to believe and to move on to acceptance.

He was grateful to her for opening his heart and for all the experiences with her, but he couldn't keep living in the past, hoping, suffering.

He stared at the phone for a good while pondering what to do. Every part of him screamed at him to answer her, to reply quickly. That's what he wanted.

The words he had dreamed about were finally there.

I miss you. Me and Jin broke up.

He was in disbelief, he never thought that this day would come, that she would leave Jin.

But she finally did.

His shirt suddenly felt tight, the room too hot.

"What's wrong?", James asked from the other side of the desk in their office when Tae adjusted himself for the tenth time in his chair with a sigh.

Tae still just stared at his phone, unable to speak.

"Tae, speak, I know something is up, you look like you saw a ghost", James continued.

Tae just reached him the phone.

James raised his eyebrows surprised, understanding Tae's sudden case of losing his words.

"Wow...just wow...I mean..", he continued. "Now what ?".

Tae shook his head, scratching his chest before getting up and phasing the room, running his hands through his hair.

"I don't know....I don't know....I can't think", he finally replied, pulling at the collar of his shirt, jerking his head to the left.

"Well obviously....but aren't you curious as hell?", James said with a chuckle.

"Of course I am...but dude....she broke me to the core....you were there, you saw me...", he replied. "I just don't know, I need a minute to think".

"I get that...but seriously...she was your once in a lifetime kind of love, you told me yourself", James said, watching his friend still phase in confusion and frustration.

"I know and she still is, I will always love her like no other...but I just don't know if my heart can handle going down that road again. She is still in Seoul, she is still not here. Those words are the words I waited for for so long, but she is still not here. Nothing changed in that department".

"Think about it carefully. Would you not regret not taking that chance for real with her this time?", James asked curiously.

Tae shrugged his shoulders and sighed loudly.

"I know, I know... I need some air", he said and left the room.

I miss you.

Such a strong statement, a sentence that carried so much more than just those words. The love of his life missed him, she was right there within reach again.

It scared him just as much as it excited him.

His heart and head pulled him in two different directions right now. Logic told him to stay out of it since he just got himself on his feet again from that deep dungeon of grief. His heart pulled him to run to her, to forgive and forget and embrace the love.

Love. Such a complicated state. With her it was what made him alive but also could end his life. It got that dark sometimes from being the best thing in the world.

He got to the rooftop still staring at his phone. His own heartbeats were loudly pounding in his ears together with his breaths.

Why now? What changed?

Curiosity won over reasoning.

"Hey...I missed you too. How have you been?".

Those three dots appeared on the screen, those dots he had longed for.

"Tae, I've been a mess. I missed you every single day".

Those words, that sweet sensation of confirmation.

"Same. I'm not myself without you".

"I'm so sorry, I was such an idiot. I was not being fair to you, but I didn't want to break your heart like that...I broke my own in the process".

"I know you did...but Emma, you left me broken and lonely. No one could comfort me, all I wanted was you".

"I'm so sorry, I feel terrible. How are you doing now? Better?"

He thought about it for a while. The answer wasn't that easy. He was better yes, but it was because he accepted that she was gone and he had put some distance between them to survive.

"I cried all the way to Korea...and I kept crying everyday since then. I left the most important part of me with you. I'm sorry, please forgive me".

Fuck. These were all the things he ever needed to hear.

"Just give me some time Emma. I need to process all of this. okay?".

"Understandable. I don't ask for much, just let me be your friend again one day...".

Friend. She wants to be my friend?

He knew that they were incapable of being friends. There was too much history between them, too many strong emotions.

But he had also begged to be her friend, many times the past months. Anything to have just a piece of her in his life. She meant that much to him.

"Let's talk later Ems...".

"Okay".

Quick steps approached him, interrupting his thoughts.

"Hey Tae! James told me to find you here", she said with a bright smile.

"Hey Maddy, is it time already?", he replied with a smile.

"Yeah, let's go, I'm starving", she said and grabbed his hand, pulling him to the elevator.

He observed her with a smile. She looked so happy every time she saw him, she was so easy to hang out with. She helped him out of his grief by her easy going persona, assuring him that everything would be okay one day.

She was the kind of woman he used to date. There were no surprises, nothing extra. What he saw was exactly what he got, nothing more, nothing less. She didn't challenge him, she just wanted him to be satisfied.

But he wasn't.

Everyone he met he compared to Emma and no one measured up to her, to what she made him feel. He missed the challenge, the fact that she made him work for it, make an effort. The taste of that was much sweeter.

"What are we going to eat today?", he asked Maddy.

"Hmmm, whatever you are craving", she said with a smile again.

That was one of her signature answers, anything to please him. It bored him, but she kept him occupied at least. He could pretend to be happy and maybe, just maybe, one day he would believe it too.