BEING YOURS

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Hi guys, so sorry for the late update. I reinstalled my Wattpad and lost almost half of the chapter, had to rewrite again.

So here it is, almost how I wanted it to be but there's little time to reedit so, please bear with me.

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It feels like forever without you here Dad. And it's been a forever since I last wrote. I don't know how to get this through to you or how else to share my thoughts but I'd just pretend you can hear the voice of my pen and maybe, just maybe, this tightness will go away.

Y'know, I've never really been the same ever after Mustafa died. I had just been fake, ever since, to you, to Mama, to everyone. I was never good after that, I did things, a lot of things and I hid them away, I hid a lot from you.

But I honestly tried to be the best son I could at some time, even married Asiyah even though I never wanted to. The time I spent with her... it taught me a lot, it made me grow up. At some point I wanted hating you for making me marry her but then I thought, no woman should be able to break the bond we share.

A lot has happened through the years, I kept my bad side away from you and Mama, Aunt, my siblings.

I never really had a will to live through the years, I was just breathing but never cared about what I did, how I harmed myself. I prayed countless times to sleep and never wake up again, and... I did, over and over and over but... I think this is it.

Honestly, ever since Umma died, I never believed I'd get so attached to anyone on this earth apart from you and Mama so much as to wonder if I could ever handle them leaving or wondering how they would feel if I was to leave but that changed, ever since I started accepting the fact that I was getting married to my princess.

I honestly don't know when I fell for her, the day we first had sex which was on our first anniversary, surprising right? Or was it during the times we spent together? Or the times I tortured her? Or was it even before we got married?

Cos I honestly just forced myself to hate her back then Dad, the more I think about it, the more I realize she never really wronged me. I was only scared of what I felt for her, scared that she'd thaw my ice.

I was scared of how much I could get attached to her and maybe have another person to worry constantly about and my fear... even when I thought I'd gotten rid of it completely, it still came to be.

The first time I realized I was really in trouble with her was when she collapsed in my arms, when I and Jalaal went to pick her up from the airport before we got married.

The instant agitation and fear I felt at that exact moment was similar to what I felt after realizing the cabin blew up with Mustafa in it and it scared me, how much a mere stranger she was at that time could awaken such emotions in me.

And the first time I felt that... tingling sensation in me, the same I feel anytime she looks at me with a smile, the very one I get anytime we touch or when she calls me Ash, the first time I felt that was when she fell asleep in the car, when we were heading back home after visiting her brother at the hospital last Ramadan.

I couldn't just get it in myself to wake her up, she looked so breathtaking even in slumber. So angelic I didn't want to disturb her sleep, so innocent I wanted to protect her, for forever.