"Where you go Cookie?" I groaned into the phone. I'm just now talking to her after me calling thousands of times. When I face timed her, she declined it and called back regular. It's late at night and she hadn't been back since she left. Kali talked to her because she was checking on Zari, but when I tried to talk, she hung up. Hopefully she isn't mad at me. "I'm on my way home." She said lowly. That's not what I asked.
Trying to beat around the bush mean she was somewhere she had no business. "Alright Onika... hurry up." I wiped my face. "I'm outside already." She hung up. Why didn't she just- I walked outside and stood at the car with her. I trapped her between my arms against the door, and she wouldn't look at me.
Her eyes were red and she was sniffling. That only means one thing. "You was crying?" I lifted her head. She shook her head no with innocent eyes. Her head kept trying to go down, and I would lift it back up. A whimper left her and she looked me in my eyes. She looked so small...well she is but like a little kid. Especially when she wears her real hair.
"Stop looking away from me." I whispered softly. She looked at me as her eyes watered and tried to wipe her face. I pulled her arms down and watched her tears fall. Every time she cries, she gets mad and roughly wipes her face. Especially when it's about her feelings. "Stoopppp." She whined trying to move her arms.
"You need to stop doing that shit bro. Speak yo mind, let that shit out." I stressed. She just looked at me as her tears rolled. Imma get her to start expressing herself because she's gonna drive herself crazy. I've been to therapy for it and it's not fun. "Talk."
"I don't know what to say..." She whimpered. I just looked at her and she sighed.
"My life isn't how I planned it and i'm being judged about everything I do.... it's just hard Bey." She started to wipe her eyes, hard. I pulled her hands back down and she smacked her lips. "Tell me how it's hard. You have to say it baby. Don't just keep saying that, tell me how and why. What can go down to help you. Why you do certain things. Help me learn you. Please."
She stared at me for a while before throwing her head a back and letting out a huge breath. "I don't fucking know. Everything is hard. Life. Raising a child, living on my own, taking care of myself. Just all of it. I battle with my emotions everyday just so I won't cry or break down in front of y'all. When I see everyone walk around with nothing to worry about I get... I don't know. It just hurts that I wasn't able to live the way I wanted to over one mistake. And I can't say that it isn't fair because I made the decision. No one told me to be grown and mess with a dude older than me. That was my fault. I blame myself for that.
But for me to have to take huge measures and do things that I don't to do to live, isn't me. It's past uncomfortable at this point. I'm supposed to be in college preparing to be a nurse. I can't do that because I have a toddler and now i'm pregnant. All of that on top of not having any one proud of me.... No disrespect, I promise I don't mean it like that, but Sean was the only person who would tell me he was proud of me. Whether he was being controlling or just.. yaknow. He always told me he was proud and that I was a good mother.
I don't know...maybe I miss it. Even though there was bad times, we had good ones. I'm not stuck on him or anything, but damn... that's 3 years of my life gone. That was supposed to be the best years ever, and I was held down to one person, with a baby. I don't blame others for looking at me different. For my parents to judge hurts even more. Momma basically called me a whore and I don't think she meant to, but that's how it made me feel. The best thing for me to do is leave when i'm angry because I don't want to physically hurt anyone." She went on.
He face was really wet by time she finished, and I was wiping her face. I'm glad she got it out, but it pains me to hear everything. This girl keeps a smile on her face as if she's not going through anything and that's super strength. Anybody would've folded, just by her age.
