"I understand Bey, I don't want to hear about it anymore. You apologized and i'm fine." I kissed her ear.
My love was back in my arms.
We went through a lot last night. She came to me crying, pouring her heart out. I honestly felt bad, but we got over a lot. We talked about a lot.
There was crying, yelling and even a physical tussle. All emotions were flying.
She's been apologizing since we finished making love. For hours. It's 6am, and we're just now stopping for sleep.
I haven't been able to, but feeling her around me again was making it easier to drift.
The kids are still with Momma, so we're alone. I just might be pregnant again. She came in me so many times and I love it. Her way of showing me that she was mines forever. I love it.
"I love you so much." She kissed my neck. I rubbed hers as we laid in silence.
It was comfortable and safe. Like we had not a worry in the word when in reality, there was plenty.
We've agreed to try. There's so much more life has to bring us, for us to give up after one little argument. It wouldn't be fair to ourselves neither our children.
I say our because not only does she treat one as hers, she treats them both that way. No discrimination. I love that about her. There hasn't been a time where I had to correct anything.
Everything is equal.
The attachment my people have on her is too strong. They've grown to get used to her and even if we did leave each other, it wouldn't be right. Everything we do, involves one another.
Not a thing could be named without saying hers.
Life wouldn't be the same.
It's like my heart belongs to no one, but her. My life is hers and in her hands forever. She's my protector and healer.
Always saying the right things and drilling useful things into my mind. Helping me realize the bright side of situations. Releasing stress and relaxing even when i'm tense.
When i'm low, she's there.
When I was going through the worst time in my life, she was there. She's seen me in my most vulnerable state. Noticed me have breakdowns and explosions.
It wouldn't be right to just leave her.
A lot has happened in the little time we've be present with each other. Not just negative, positive as well.
Our child...
It definitely wouldn't be fair to her. She deserves to have both of us. It's not like we're toxic and need separation. We're far from it.
All we needed was understanding, and we have that now. Communication can go a long way, and i've learned that. Me not communicating was making a hole in our relationship.
It was cutting deep and making things harder. I didn't notice it until we had our talk.
Thankfully it's filled now. Or we're slowly filling it as we work on ourselves. I would lose so much if I lost her.
It's only been nearly two years and I feel like she's my everything. Not just someone I met as my boss. Not just some annoying girl that used to flirt with me on the clock. And popped up at my home whenever she wanted to.
I'm grateful to have her. I'm glad that she made me move my job position. Glad that she walked in the bathroom when I was in that tub. Really grateful that she was there to protect me. Help me get rid of the biggest issue in my life.
"I love you." I kissed her ear again. She shifted above me as she was asleep.
My baby.
The future holds great things for us and I can feel it. There's going to be hard times i'm sure, but it'll be worth working out.
The good will always outweigh the bad. With everything we do. Every argument we have, there will always be something that can make us forget what we were even disagreeing about.
The question I had been asking myself all along is finally answered...
Is it worth it?
I found myself questioning my choices. Planning out my life alone. How I would go through things with no one and two kids. How I would forget it all and not look back.
Imagining how I would function with no help. Even thought about going to Sean. But i'm glad I didn't. He's more of a brother to me now, not enough to go to him about relationship problems unfortunately.
He was the start of my problems. Bey is the ending, patching me up of the scars that he left. Pulled out the knives that he left in my back.
Is it worth it?
I thought about it a lot. Staring at her contact for hours thinking about how a conversation would go. Dropping Desi off to her and not making eye contact.
Ignoring her every time she called my name through the window. Even blocked her contact to keep myself form thinking about clicking it.
All of it was killing me softly. I thought that I was hurting her, but I was also hurting myself and my children.
They're so used to her and being away was causing issues. If she wouldn't have came to me, I don't know where I would be right now.
I plan on letting my guard down and being more transparent. Not so stuck up and hard to get through. I want to be easy to work with.
My children to see two happy parents. Not to witness any negativity and grow traumatized. My family to see that i'm happy and not worry about me.
I want to go to college and work on a stable career that I can depend on at all times. Work and build a bigger family to look at.
To say "this is why I do what I do." Although I can do that now, I want to leave a piece of me behind. Whenever I go.
I want to change for the future of my family.
Is it worth it?
Yes.
••••
The End.
