Pretty Venom |N.H|

87

Niall Horan

September 15.

I didn't sleep last night. It was just constant tossing and turning. I don't know if that was a result of the fight I had with Jasey, the fear I have towards the messages she received, the messages I received, or the ones that Harry got just moments after Jasey and I shouted at each other.

That seems to be a common aspect in my life. When I start getting comfortable, or things start to slow down, when things start to feel really great, it goes to shit.

I don't have a second to look away from a situation, even to enjoy a good moment, before something else smacks me in the face that has me questioning everything I've ever known.

A lot of my fears are stemming from one thing, and that one thing is what I keep trying to run from. Every foot I put down and try to run faster and faster and faster, I can never get away. It's always going to follow me. I just want it to stop, just for a second. I want to speed up, know that nothing will catch up to me, and I want to hold onto everything and everyone that I love and take them with me.

I stare at the dark ceiling in my bunk on my bus, thinking about the last few hours in detail as if it will give me any explanation at all. The truth is, I know I'm fucked. I have my ideas about what's happening, and I have my thoughts on what I could do, but every possibility seems to be a lose-lose situation, so I ignore any plan I think I'm capable of conducting.

I ran into Jim before leaving the venue last night. He looked angry, confused, irritated, every negative emotion that could be expressed towards me. He's become a professional at that now, and I can't say I don't blame him in this case. I knew everyone would be pissed at me for this, but especially him, since he doesn't realize why I did it in the first place.

Louis, Liam, and Harry were confused at first too, but Harry was immediately understanding. He usually is no matter what when it comes to me, but I don't think he got the news that it was canceled until after he got his messages, so he was able to put everything together.

I did a bit of explaining to Louis and Liam, though, and they both seemed to understand. I think we all viewed this show as us being an open target, and we needed to get together and discuss what is happening, or what's to come, before we thought about getting on a stage after we were gaining threats.

Jim, on the other hand, had absolutely no clue, so I can't be surprised in the way he shouted at me from down the hallway while I tried to get the band and Zayn out of the venue.

"Niall!" his voice boomed and echoed through the hall, anger seething out of him. "What the hell are you doing? Canceling the show, when it's probably the most–"

I walk away from him, not out of disrespect, but because I don't have a second to talk. But considering he is trying to mention the fact that this show was supposed to be big for us, it does make me quite upset, which now has me feeling like I need to defend myself for canceling it so I don't seem like a dick or someone who doesn't care about my job. That's the last thing I need him thinking of me right now.

I let out a sigh, accepting that I feel the need to express my concern to him when all I want to do is run off and ignore him entirely. "Jim. Please, I don't want to fight with you right now. I just need you to trust me when I say this was the best thing right now. I'm sorry, but I need you to believe me when I say I didn't want to do this, but for the sake of everyone, the show is canceled."

The look on his face tells me that he understands where I'm coming from. This surprises me. This has me wondering what he could understand. He doesn't know about me, my past, why I'm here, yet he looks like he understands something about my fear. He doesn't ask what pushed my decision, or why I didn't ask him first. He just stands there.