"Why don't you just leave me alone?" I spit at him, the anger laced in my voice angered him and I loved it. I watched as he clenched his jaw, staring at me as his eyes darkened; walking up to me, soon towering over me making me realize how small I w...
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─── ･ ｡ ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
F I F T Y S E V E N
THE storm was louder than it seemed to be before, and my eyes grew slower the harder I worked. I felt like I could fall over, like I could sleep on top of Mattheo and pretend that he was sleeping, too. It was what I wanted to do, and what I would've had we been alone.
I would curl up next to him, and drape his arms around my body, and let myself fall asleep with him. I'd let my soul fall into his as they left our bodies and roamed through the sky, burning like stars.
I would become a star, with him, and we would live in the sky forever.
Away from all of the pain. We would escape, finally at last, the fate that we were fighting so hard to run from, and we would do it together.
We would be happy.
I would be the most beautiful I had ever been, and I would relish in it. And Mattheo, he wouldn't have to be afraid of the dark anymore, even if he was still surrounded by it, because this time he would be the only source of light for others surrounded by the very same thing.
I had to keep going, to keep trying. I couldn't give up. I couldn't lay down, curl up, and sleep beside him, because it wasn't our time. I couldn't drape his arm over my body and let my soul seep into his, even if I thought he didn't deserve the pain of this world any longer. Because that wasn't my choice to make, it was his, and I knew he wouldn't leave Epiphany behind.
I was selfish, both before I truly met Mattheo and after. I had always been selfish, only now I recognized it in myself. And I recognized it because I recognized Mattheo. I recognized him as a part of my life, a part of my future, and no longer a placeholder for a love awaited, but as the love that I had been awaiting for a very, very long time.
Before Mattheo, I was selfish because I was alone, because even though I knew, deep in my heart, that I had people who loved me, I knew I didn't have the one. I was selfish because I was afraid, because I knew that even as I had been cared for by others, it wasn't enough for me, and I was afraid because one day, the day when I truly would be alone, with no one by my side anymore, I would be forgotten.
Now, I am no longer selfish because I am alone, but I am selfish, more so, because I am not. I have found, finally, what it is that so many creatures spend what feels like an eternity searching for, and I have held it in the palm of my hand. I've seen it in many ways and I've felt it in parts of myself that I no longer believed were conscious.
But he would be a star. And he would be happy, I know he would be.
But he wasn't a star, and he wasn't sleeping, because he was dead. He was dead and he was gone, and his life was in my hands. It felt like every moment I had ever spent with him wasn't enough, that there were so many things I'd forgotten to do or say, and that I would never be able to do any of it.
