The Mess I Got Into ( This Is How I Met You ) Jikook

I Hate You! But Do I ?

"I hate him", I keep on reminding myself.

Flashback

Jungkook POV

I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on Taehyung. For as long as I remember, he has been my everything. Every possible future I've imagined, he has always been in it.

Why was I holding on to something that would never be mine? But isn't that what people do? No matter how my heart was grieving, I kept holding on with hope, but my love of an “us” that doesn't exist - strong as it is! Strong as a wish - wasn't real. It's not my love of him that is hurting me. It's my love of an “us” that doesn't exist.

He does love me: as a dear, close friend. As much as it hurts not to have another kind of love, I know he wouldn't want me to hurt. I wanted his happiness, more than anything, but I wanted it to be with me, not with someone else! I was desperate for something I knew I couldn't have. A solution. A remedy. Anything. I was still searching for someone to blame for my suffering. I really wanted someone to transfer my hate to, so that I could stop hating myself for loving him regardless.

I know it was never Jimin's fault, he was completely unaware of Taehyung's love, after all it was unrequited love just as mine. They say, "What you choose also chooses you" but i was never his choice, Taehyung kept on choosing Jimin and that hurt. I hated Jimin with all my heart.

Since the day Jimin has moved in, it's been nothing but a rollercoaster of emotions and a lot of unanswered questions. Not that I don't know the answers, it's just that I don't want to acknowledge them.There is something about him that makes me feel terribly wicked. He makes me want to do unexpected things. This feeling, if I follow its call, if I give in to it, it'll just get worse. The more I'll accept, the deeper I'll go, the more I'll need. The scariest part is he sees my soul through eyes, he reads my mind and expression, he knows me better than I know myself, he knows my love for taehyung and he knows my struggle with this feeling. How can he? How can he know me inside out in such a short time? How? when no one else could? Not even Taehyung?

I had done all I could to avoid him, though the effort was more challenging than I had expected, especially when thoughts of him never left my consciousness. It's better to keep a distance and hate him but will I be able to? No! A big no no! And how can I? When he's the greatest soul, with the noblest nature, the sweetest and most loving heart I have ever known. My feelings, my reverence, my admiration for him have increased with each passing day. He's been nothing but understanding and a ray of sunshine, a warm summer rain, a bright fire on a cold winter’s day to me.

He was constantly trying to get along, to know me, understand me, help me, heal me and his efforts were visible and seen and yet ignored. At times I was not able to hold this stupid hate, at times I was not able to hold the admiration I had for him. There was this immense connection I felt with Jimin. How is it possible he knows me completely? He knows my thoughts and feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my sorrows and regrets, the parts of me I hide from others. Just one look and he knows what was going on in my mind.

I have seen Taehyung completely naked and there were several times I slept with him in the same bed but I never felt aroused, I never saw him with lust or desire, I always felt like protecting him from everything. But with Jimin, his body is the best work of art. My body has no control when I'm around him. My eyes never leave his. Damn, those sweet lips, I want to kiss them all night long maybe my entire life and if I taste them once there is no going back i know for sure. A simple touch from his burns holes in my skin and yet I crave for those touches. And I don't just crave for his body but I also want his smile, his laughs, his words, his attention, I want him near me, always and forever. I could no longer tell the difference between love and lust? The reason I cling to hate so stubbornly is because once hate is gone, I'll be forced to deal with these unwanted feelings. Hate is simpler than denial of feelings because that's easier than trying to hold two thoughts in one's head at the same time.

Hi fam,

This chapter was difficult to write for me, my mind was haywire, my thoughts were scattered, i wasn't myself for i don't know how long. I'm glad i could write a chapter for you'll. Sorry if you've waited for long.

Stay healthy, stay strong.