The Mess I Got Into ( This Is How I Met You ) Jikook

I Hate You! But Do I? - 2

I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?

I Hate You! But Do I?

Jungkook POV

Flash back -

The day before Jimin moved to Seoul Taehyung and I tried cleaning the house, as taehyung knew Jimin loves cleanliness. He wanted to decorate Jimin's room just as Jimin loves. A few squishy toys, some curtains and bedsheets, and a few plants. He also hung some of their childhood pictures on wall frames. The room looked neat and tidy. We even added some furniture, utensils and groceries. As I lived alone there was nothing much I needed but now that Jimin is gonna stay with me it would be good to fill the house with some daily use necessities.

It was around midnight when we finished everything. I was so tired but this tiredness was nothing compared to Taehyung's excitement. "Wanna have beer?" I asked him, he nodded. I had few leftovers left so along with beer we ate whatever we got. We talked on random topics as none of us was sleepy. After a few drinks he asked "Do you love someone?" I was dumbfounded with the question. Even if it was a random question many thoughts came to me. What if he knows about my love for him? Should I just confess? but it's too late, I know I'm over this feeling. I've moved in my life as he never saw me the way I did, I'm just a friend to him and I know I'll never be more than that, his heart only beats for one person and that person is not me. "Yes," I said. He looked at me as if he was wanting to know more so I continued looking into his eyes "But not anymore, it was one-sided and he loves someone else". His eyes didn't leave mine, not even for a second "Was it easy to let him go?" He asked. I was looking at him, I wasn't sure what he wanted to hear. But i thought, it's  time to tell the truth, not the entire but as much as i could. "I loved him for 3 years and I still do but with time i decided to let him go, not for him but for myself. It hurts to let go. I feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses me, because I think that my feelings were wrong and it makes me feel so small because it was so hard to keep it inside me when I desperately wanted to let it out but if I did I knew that'll never come back. I was left so alone that I couldn't explain." My eyes were teary. He was listening carefully, taking every word in. I saw his expression change as if he was relating every word. I continued "Damn, there's nothing like love, is there? I've been there and you have too." He nodded his head as he understood what I was referring to. "I'm not a good friend" he said, i looked at him trying to understand why he would say that. "In these 3 years, I never asked about you, I never tried to get to know you. You were in so much pain but I wasn't aware of it. I was so lost in my pain and misery that I never saw yours? Damn, It must have been so hard, dealing with it all alone. I feel so bad that I was always at the receiving end. I never gave you anything in return, not even the basics a friend should." We both started crying. Well alcohol was taking a toll on our emotions. "I'm so sorry Jungkook. I'm a terrible friend, I'm really sorry." I hugged him "No you're not and it's all in the past. Let's just forget it and start new. Let's be friends again." This time you try to be a good friend and I'll try not to fall for you, i thought. He smiled and took my hands in his "I'm gonna be the bestest friend you'll ever have, you just see." I smiled "I believe in you" and we both hugged again. And the night went on with talks, drinks and hugs.

A few years later -

It was off for work, so our group of friends decided to do a gathering at my place. Alcohol, talk, food was the plan. Also there was some party at work tomorrow so Jimin and Taehyung had things to talk about. As we gathered everyone was talking, enjoying themselves, a few dancing. Taehyung and Jimin were talking about the dress and the makeup stuff they're gonna wear tomorrow. This gathering was just an excuse to see each other. Looking at them in their world, talking and laughing. I always think about it. Moreover, I understand why Taehyung chose friendship over unrequited love. For years, I've questioned why he never confessed his love to jimin? What was holding him back? but now I understand why? The fear, fear of losing the only person you love. The feelings he has for Jimin are the same as mine for him. Everyone in love is in love with an “us” as well as a “you.” But as vivid as “us” seems it could be, it can never be real unless wished by two. So I get why he didn't want to lose the friendship over one-sided feelings.

Whereas for me, There’s only one reason my love for him feels bad, so bad that I wish I could kill it: because it's so tangled up with my love, want and need of this “us.” This i and he, together, are a different way than we are. Which I know does not exist! And which therefore, I know really isn't true. Love for what doesn't exist cannot be true. My love and wish for this “us” grew out of something that is true. The love of our friendship, close for years. The love of him, the person he really is. This painful, wishful “us” is so strong because it grew out of what's strong and real! But it is not true. It is not real. It's not my love of him that is hurting me. It's the love of an “us” that doesn't exist. I'm still lingering with those feelings I thought I moved on with. Hopelessly in love with a friend who'd never wanted more from me than he'd already given. It's not that I want us to be together as lovers because that's something next to impossible but when I see Taehyung trying too hard to get Jimin, there is a small part in me that whispers, "Isn't he what you wanted so why didn't you fight for it? But the thought of what's the point of fighting when you know you can never have it?

We have talked so many times about it before Jimin moved to Seoul and even now about his love for Jimin. He has always shown me his utterly frail and vulnerable side he has kept hidden from everyone and at times if he pretends to be fine or hides things I could still see through him like an open book. I could relate to him as our suffering was the same.

Taehyung's first priority will be Jimin, be it friendship or love. But for me Jimin and I were never friends to start with, for me he was just a stranger I hated the most so it's always been hate vs these feelings. With time I got to know him. Jimin saw me, not just the curated version of myself I put out into the world, not just the stats of my life on paper. He saw straight through to the untouched depths of my soul, saw my most hidden pains and hopes, and I knew in that instant that he understood me. He knew me. Without even trying. I realised I'm not scared of the feeling. It has shown up, and I am facing it. I let everything happen, and I am facing it. I let everything happen as it's supposed to. I'm scared of how it's gonna turn out. It feels like I know I want him, because he has seen me, like, for real. But what if I reach out to him, and suddenly he's just... gone. The thought we belonged together and meant to be is nothing but a mere dream, a hope.

Hi fam,

When i was not writing my life was so simple. Sleep, eat, work, repeat but since i started writing my life is nothing but full of events and chaos. There is so much going on with me these days. I hardly get time to write or to update.
This chapter was difficult to write i had concepts and ideas and plots but i was not able to put them into words also my mind was haywire, my thoughts were scattered, i hardly got time to write I'm glad i could write a chapter for you. Sorry if you've waited for long. I hope i did write well and could convey what i wanted.

Also i wanted to mention few things
Age - Jimin 24
Taehyung - 24
Jungkook 24.
Jimin met Taehyung at the age of 6.
Taehyung moved to Soeul at the age of 16.
Taehyung met Jungkook at the of 16.
Jimin moved to Seoul at the age of 19.

Stay healthy, stay strong.