The Mess I Got Into ( This Is How I Met You ) Jikook

Confession - Park Jimin & Hoseok - 3

I don't know which is more stupid, loving someone who doesn't love you back or being with someone whom you don't love back.

Jimin POV

Back story

Well, it's true that I have been hurt in my life. Quite a bit. But it's also true that I have loved, and been loved. We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. Hoseok is the one for me. He is someone who has always been there for me. Someone who made me laugh. We are different and yet so alike. He is someone I can talk to and become real friends with. Someone who appreciates and respects me, my vision and dreams. My parents love him. He is lovable. Everyone loves him and he loves me. I felt the instant spark whenever I was with him. A constant desire to be his number one, the only one. His love made me believe I deserve to be loved. I, who was trapped in these feelings for so long, wanted to set myself free. I want to be loved, cherished. And I believe only one person can set me free is him and his love.

With time I thought my feelings for Taehyung would fade but instead it turned out to be different.

It was all good with hoseok, at least I thought it was. I was the most cherished and loved person not just by him but by his family and friends too. The ones who love us have lots of expectations from us and somewhere when we don't reach those expectations, they tend to get hurt and that leads to disappointments and that means distance between us and eventually it might lead to more disappointments. So, the pressure was real and until I was not in love with him, I'm not doing justice to him.

I think that love turns out over time. When the butterflies are gone and you realize being in love with the thought of love is like having a crush on a movie star. Sure, they make your heart beat faster and put a spring in your step and a smile on your face, but at the end of the day what do you have? Nothing.

I realized I was in love with the idea of being in love. I was afraid to be left alone, hoseok was my escape out of loneliness. I loved the perception of him. I don't know if I love him or the image of a person I perceive him to be. My entire time was his time. I have no life, my life was in his hands.

As selfish I sound but I had no feelings. I was clueless, I was running a marathon with no destination. I was trying to save myself from being hurt, forgetting my actions can hurt someone too. I was giving the same pain to the person who loves me wholeheartedly, that someone has given me.

I can't hold on to an idea, because no matter how much I want it, it all changed one day and then I saw myself drifting away from it and wanting someone else to replace and match my own set standards.

That's the trouble with “in love.” It's so seldom sensible. It's not practical. It's not mature. And when it ends, it hurts like a hornet sting.

He said he was aware I'm not in love with him, because our relationship never grew. He never felt loved. It was where it started. No progress, no affection, no love, nothing. He knew it was merely an attraction, an escape and it would fade with time. He saw me confused, struggling with my thoughts and knew my mind was stuck somewhere else rather than on someone else but he thought eventually I'll fall for him, he'll make that happen till then his love is enough for the two of us. He would have dealt with everything as long as I would stay. He knew it would end someday but till that day he wanted to try to make this work, to make it happen no matter what it takes. But it never happened, despite all his efforts nothing changed. He wanted to give his best so he didn't have any regrets later. So he tried and tried and tried till he couldn't.

It ended, our relationship finally ended. And so his hopes, his dreams of us, all the effort he put into making it work, everything ended. And the worst part is I was forgiven. For the sin I have made, for the hurt I have given, for the pain I caused, for the betrayal, for the lies….. for everything, I was forgiven.

Years went, time passed. Now I understood all I needed was time. Time for myself, time to move on, time to self reflect. Time to heal. Time to self love. I finally moved on. Love never ended but I accepted fate.

Taehyung told me about moving to Seoul. Honestly, I didn't know it was the right or wrong decision to move to Seoul. I can't keep on running from Taehyung. He is my best friend before all feelings came in and I also wanted to try to work and achieve what I have dreamt of so there is no holding back.

I moved to Seoul and the best part was I moved in with a known stranger. Known enough that I don't feel alone in this whole new place and stranger enough cause we knew nothing about each other's personal life, simply perfect. 

Everything was fine until the love in me rose again, I knew this was bad, I shouldn't but I couldn't help and fall in love. This time I knew I had moved on cause my heart was beating fast but not for taehyung but for someone else.

Hi fam,

I know I'm constantly in and out with my work but I'm trying.
2 months back i got married and it's hard for me to make some time to write, no matter what I'll complete this story. In fact I have something else on my mind so I'll start writing that too soon. 
Thank you for being patient. I'll be back soon.

Stay safe and healthy.