𝘴𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶. [𝘢 𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘪 𝘢𝘶]

16

I WAS AWOKEN not to my alarm, but rather my mom shaking me awake. "Nini, honey?" I hear her voice whisper, causing me to turn onto my back and open my eyes to look at her.

"What are you doing?" I mumble, closing my eyes once again. I try to roll back over to go back to sleep but my mom grabs my shoulder and stops me from rolling over.

"Honey, you need to get ready for school." She tells me, causing my eyes to open once again as I feel my heart sink. I totally forgot about school. This weekend went by so slowly yet so fast at the same time. I'm not ready to go to school without my best friend.

I sit upright in my bed and look over at my mom, pulling my knees to my chest. I haven't taken Jack's hoodie off since I put it on on Saturday. I don't want to wash it because it will wash his scent away. I want to hold on to any piece of him I still have.

I haven't gotten much sleep since he died, especially because the person who shot him is still on the loose. I don't understand how we're having school when there's a shooter on the loose. That's basically begging for a school shooting.

"I don't want to go." I whisper, my voice hoarse. I feel tears coming to my eyes, but I choke them back. God, it's like all I can do now is cry. I'm surprised I still have tears, I thought I cried them all away by now.

"Maybe this will be good for you. You'll realize you're not alone, and that the entire school is grieving. Not just you." She brings her hand up and pats me on the shoulder, kissing the top of my head. "I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. You're so strong, just like Momma D."

I'm not strong. Someone who was strong would be able to handle their grief in a normal way. Instead of me doing that or finding someone to talk to, I drink my problems away and convince myself I'm fine because the alternative is too depressing for me to handle.

Jack was sort of like my lifeline. Even though he got on my nerves sometimes, he's been my best friend since we were kids. I can't live without him, so I drink to make myself forget all about him. It doesn't work. I'm still fully aware that he's dead when I'm drunk, but at least I don't have to be sad about it. Gina was right. Jack will still be dead whether I'm sober or not.

I shake my head and remove my mom's hand from my shoulder, not wanting to be touched right now. "Mom, I don't want to go. Please don't make me go." I beg, finally letting a singular tear slip from my eye and roll down my cheek.

"Nini, you're going and that's final. I made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, your favorite!" She tells me, trying to cheer me up but I don't even smile. The only reason I even found out about chocolate chip pancakes was because of Jack. I was at his house in first grade when I tried them for the first time. Everything reminds me of him, as if he's haunting me. I can't go anywhere without seeing his face in something or hearing his voice in my ear. I miss him. I miss him so goddamn much.

My mom leaves my bedroom, closing the door behind her. She didn't open my curtains, but I could tell it was cloudy outside since there was no sunshine seeping into my bedroom. I lay back down and grab one of my pillows, slamming it over my face and crying into it. It feels like I'm in an eternal hell. I'm 99% sure I've lost myself.