My Boyfriend Is A Geek ✔️

57: It's like you're stuck in my head

Ever had one of those moments where you feel like you’re living in a fantasy? Well, I was experiencing one of those moments right now. One thing about fantasies though, was that they had the ability to leave you completely immersed in them in a way that felt so damn real.

From the way his hands rested on my waist, leaving me wondering how just that one simple action could send tingles through my skin; to the way our bodies moved, dancing along to a rhythm which seemed to be known to only the both of us; to the way his eyes held mine, mirroring everything which I knew I felt right now; it all felt so right.

And as I heard him utter those three words, everything seemed to come together into one perfect fantasy which I so badly wanted to continue living in.

Yeah, unlike my previous assumption, my butterflies weren't on a vacay after all. I knew because they were now swarming my insides, fluttering wildly and leaving me feeling all mushy as I replayed those three words in my mind. 

Hawk loved me. He loved me! So, I guess that meant my feelings weren’t one-sided after all. The realization left me wanting to scream from excitement. 

I wanted to tell him that I felt the same way. I wanted to do that and so much more. I wanted this fantasy to continue.

But then, another thing about fantasies was that just when you got the peak of the moment, reality came crashing in. And that was exactly what happened now.

In the middle of all my mushy bliss, reality came sticking its harsh face through my mind, bringing with it all the questions that I dreaded having to think about. What would all of this mean? If I told Hawk how I felt, what would change? If I tried to keep living in this fantasy, what would happen?

My mind was running with a thousand other thoughts like these, each one blending into the other. However, one in particular stood out – Jason.

Just that one thought was enough to make me pull away from the boy in front of me, leaving him to throw me a quizzical look. 

But all I was able to say was: “I need to go.”

And I did go, never once looking back until I arrived in the safety of Shay’s room, something in my chest thumping wildly all the while.

I was in the middle of freeing a breath I didn’t even know I’d been holding, when I heard it.

“Brooke.” Sure enough, there he was, standing at the doorway. “Can we at least just talk?”

What he said made sense, yet the words I voiced in response were: “Hawk, there’s really nothing to talk about. All of this is so…crazy.”

“B, listen, I know what I said downstairs must have come as a surprise for you, but it’s true. I love you.”

The words didn't fail to tug at my heart this time as well. Still, I remained silent, letting him continue. 

“I’m not sure when it happened, but I do. And you’re right, it is crazy because you're with Jason, and I should probably not be telling you any of this. And I swear I tried to shove it all in, but…I can’t,” he mused, voice soulful.   

I looked away then – a weak attempt to hide away the glossy pool that was my eyes. 

“It’s like you’re stuck in my head, and I can’t get you out even if I tried. And I know you don't feel the same, which is probably why you won’t even look at me right now.” 

“Or maybe it's the opposite,” I piped up in something barely above a whisper.

But it was clear he heard it. Because now, his face was assuming some of its usual brightness, and a little hopefulness as well, which reflected in his next words.

“So, then, what’s the problem?” 

“It's not that simple, Hawk.”

“Yes, but we have something, B, something worth giving a shot.”

Right then, I wanted nothing more than to tell him that I’d also like that for us. But I didn’t do that. 

Instead, what I did say was: “I won't deny that I feel something for you.” 

Of all the lies I’d ever told, that had to be the biggest one yet. Something? I felt something? 

Something was in no way sufficient enough a word to describe the raging feelings inside me. But Hawk didn’t need to know that.

And with that in mind, I went on. “But then am I supposed to just break up with Jason and get together with you? Is that it? I can't just do that to him when all he's done is be good to me. I'm not going to be the girl who hurts someone who’s done nothing but love her.”

The part I wanted to add, but didn’t, was: ‘I’m not like her.’

“I really like you, Hawk, but this.” I gestured between us to emphasize my point. “It just….” It took sucking in a breath to be able to add, “it just can't work. I'm sorry.”

I wished to take those words back the moment I said them. But then when I thought of ‘her,’ and of what happened to ‘them,’ I convinced myself that I’d made the right choice.

However, it definitely didn’t feel right seeing the look on the face of the boy in front of me. I wasn’t sure how to describe it. Hurt? Disappointment? Or perhaps, a mix of both.

To me though, he gave a small nod, saying, “I get it.” But a moment later, his voice was slicing through – in a question this time. “You must really love him, right?” 

I stopped to ponder the question over, my thoughts drifting back in time.

‘Brooke, I love you. And when you love someone, you put their feelings into consideration.’

‘I don't care if you pull away anytime I try to draw closer, I'd just give you space then. I don't care if you don't say you love me, I'd just keep saying it to you. I can do all that, but what's really hard is to not be with you. I love you, Brooke.’ 

‘I'm with Brooke, and I love her.’ 

There were many more like that. He was always so caring, so kind – Jason. So, with that in mind, I let myself say, “yes.” And then: “I’m sorry. You mean a lot to me, and I don't want to hurt you.”

He gave a dismissive wave of hand in response. “It’s fine, don't worry about me. I’ll probably just listen to my special playlist of sad love songs on a loop, while eating a bag of chips. It works wonders,” he quipped.

If anything, that only made me feel worse than I already did.

But to him, I said, “well, that sounds…interesting.”

“You bet,” he answered, lips moving in a small smile – albeit one which lacked his usual spiritedness.

“Hawk, I––”

“Brooke,” he cut in. “If you love Jason and he makes you happy, then that's fine with me. The most important thing is that you’re doing what you want.”

His words sent a surge of emotions to wash through me, with a lump forming in my throat. In the end, I could only offer a nod in response, and somehow managed a tight-lipped smile as well.

“Well, I should probably go see what Dove is up to before we get a repeat of the Hawk Duck tonight,” he sallied, earning a chuckle from me. 

And a moment later, he was leaving, with me staring after him until he was out of the room.

And only when he was out of view did I let myself plop on Shay’s bed, his words from earlier ringing in my head.

‘The most important thing is that you’re doing what you want.’

If this was what doing what I wanted was like, then it was quite nice. It was so nice that the salty pool that’d been brimming in my eyes for a while, now came rolling down in thick, long drops.

But it was for the best. I told myself I needed to let it all out like this if I wanted to forget my feelings for Hawk Gary Moose. 

Maybe if I said it long enough, it would come true. Just maybe.