The Harvest [Unedited]

XL - τελικός

Alexa's POV

I let out a shaky breath as I stared at the flickering lights of the distant cars and buildings from my apartment's veranda. Peaceful nights like this make me remember the horrors I've been through that night, the pain and guilt that still eats me today.

It's very unlikely for Pirili to have warm nights like this, but I can only feel the coldness of the metal pressed against the side of my right temple. 

"If you call this living, then I'd rather die!" mariin kong bulong at idiniin pa ang bukana ng baril sa aking sintido. I can't go on living like this, pretending everything's just fine.

Napaiktad ako at napatigil nang makaramdam ng balahibo sa aking binti. Jessica purred and meowed as she walked between my legs, as if knowing what I was up to. She blinked at me with pupils blown wide, before turning to look at the dog patiently waiting at the door.

Hindi ko napigilang mapangiti at haplusin ang ulo ng pusa ng aking partner. "It's okay," sambit ko. "I'm okay. Go now..."

I let out a helpless cry, realizing I'm talking to animals. Pero alam kong naiintindihan nila ako, especially Hansen. He'll stare at me and starts to bark whenever I try to pull stunts like this. After three years of having him, he'd never leave my side when the night comes.

Napailing ako. Can they really understand me? But Jacob was their owner first, don't they miss him as much I do?

Natigil ako sa pag-iisip nang marinig ang pagngiyaw ni Jessica bago tuluyang pumasok sa loob samantalang si Hansen naman ang lumabas para daluhan ako rito sa labas. I stared back at his questioning eyes, "I'm really fine, now..."

But I really want to die.

Napatingin ako sa buong lugar at napatawa ng mapakla. For the three years of living alone after losing my sister and the love of my life, I've been coming back here every night wishing for my life to end, for the heartbreak and misery to just stop. 

Oh, I'm pretty sure I'd be back here again tomorrow thinking about taking own my life.

Naramdaman ko ang lamig ng baril nang mailandas ko ito sa aking pisngi nang marahas kong pinunasan ang aking mga luha. I stared at the clear sky full of stars and cried out loud.

"Why didn't you just take me!" I screamed and pressed the muzzle on my temple again. Narinig ko ang mahihinang ungot ni Hansen pero hindi ko iyon pinansin. "Just fucking take me!"

Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na ako. 

But I'm trying to get by, trying to live even though I know I'll never be whole again. I'm tired of faking it, and it's just getting harder and harder as the days march forward.

I closed my eyes shut when I remembered the night I shot Jacob, the sound his body made when it fell on the dark murky water. I killed him, so I think it's alright to take my life using the same gun that took his.

But I know he won't approve. Masyado siyang makatarungan at gaya ng mga panaginip kung saan ko na lang siya nahahagkan, alam kong pipigilan niya ako.

Oh, God! I miss him. 

I finally threw the magazine and crouched down on the floor, hugging my knees while ugly trying my best to stop the tears. Naramdaman kong tumabi sa akin si Hansen at ipinihig ang kaniyang ulo sa aking balikat.

I miss him so much. Gusto ko na siyang makasama ulit. I want to get him back in my arms again and feel his warmth, like when he hugged me in his kitchen.

Naaalala ko pa lahat ng gusto naming magkasama, 'yong mga plano namin bago siya mawala. It's hard to forget every memory I had with him when it keeps haunting me in my sleep.