White

Serene

Irene POV

It's been four days, four days with my family. Full of worries about our safety. The President is aware about the commotion that is currently happening to us. Of course he knows, he's my brother!

Dinagdagan niya ang mga PSG na naka bantay sa amin, minsan ay nakakasawa na din silang kasama dahil kahit kumain lang kami sa private place ay kasama sila but I know to myself na we need them lalo na ngayong hindi pa nakikita si Stephany.

Hindi na daw siya bumalik sa bahay o sa opisina simula ng magpaalam siyang umalis kasama si Sam. Hindi ko alam kung natunugan niya kami o plano na niya talagang lumayo.

I'm here now in our garden with no one. I'm alone and being alone makes me think about White. Remembering the days that we're okay, we're happy and we're talking. Ngayon kasi, naririnig ko lang ang boses niya kapag kumakain kami at kausap niya ang iba.

She's not even looking at me, I know it's my fault that's why I'm accepting it now. Accepting the consequences that I deserve. After all what I did, dapat ko lang siyang intindihin. I'm proud of her, super proud of her kahit hindi ko maipakita sa kanya.

I love her with all my heart, I love her more than anything in this world or even in another world. I love her more than myself and I am willing to sacrifice everything, including my life for her, her alone.

I can't even deny na I'm jealous whenever I look at them, they were happily talking with each other. She's genuinely happy with them pero kapag kami ang naguusap, kitang kita sa mga mata niya na gusto nalang niyang maiyak. It hurts, of course it hurts but I can't do anything to help her. I'm the one who caused it.

At first, ayokong aminin na nasasaktan ko siya. Ayokong aminin ang pagkakamali ko sa pagpapalaki sa kanya kasi akala ko yun yung tama, but I am full of regrets right now, thinking about random what if's. What if minahal ko siya ng buong buo habang pinapalaki ko siya? What if hindi ko siya sinisi nung nag hiwalay kami ni Daryl? Would my life will be like this kaya?

A lot of questions are on my head. Thinking if there's still a chance for us to reconcile.

"Why are you crying?" I heard a very lovely familiar voice, I looked at her and I saw White. A smile automatically formed on my face. Hindi ko man lang napansin na umiiyak na ako kakaisip sa kanya.

"Why are you here, hmm?" I returned the question, avoiding her gaze. "I saw you e, I want to talk to you. I want a calm talk po, yung walang sigawan. Gusto kitang intindihin, pwede ba yon?" Sabi niya sa akin, nakatingin lang din siya sa kawalan.

"Of course, I miss talking to you. I miss you, the whole you" I answered, wanted to cry but I'm trying to stop it.

"Me, too, mommy" and that statement of her made me cry. The way she say "mommy" is making my heart wants to run outside my body.

"You can start, nak" I said, I saw some few drops of tears in her face.

"I want to understand everything ma. Why didn't you listen first? Why didn't you let me explain my side?" She asked, I can't find the right word to answer her questions.

"I just can't understand why kasi ma." She added, breaking down already.

"I was furious 'nak e. So much sadness ate me. I couldn't think enough, hindi ko inisip na dapat inuna ko munang pakinggan ka. Inisip ko lang yung lungkot ko, yung pangungulila ko sa dada mo." sagot ko sa kanya. I'm not looking at her but I can feel her gaze on me.

She nods her head repeatedly before she speaks up again. "I understand ma.. but you should also understand na I'm at the same state with you. Na I'm also broken that time and I needed you most but you chose not to listen and I understand that because I know what you felt. I was so lost after everything what happened, ma." She paused to wipe her own tears. She inhaled and exhaled before she continued.

"After ko umalis, almost four years ago? I feel like I lost everything but I'm so lucky to have mama Imee beside me. Siya lang po ang meron ako noon e.

The trauma is hunting me every night, I'm sooo so scared that time and I don't want anyone but you, I wanted you. I wanted to see you and to hug you but everytime na ginugusto kong makita ka, naaalala ko po yung mga pangtataboy mo sa akin kaya I fought alone. I fought that stupid trauma alone.

Leaving you here with her was so hard for me but I have to do it because I love you. I want you to be happy and I thought leaving you with her will make you happy.

Mama, I need you that time e. I really need you kasi pakiramdam ko yung yakap mo lang yung makakapag comfort sa akin when I'm having those anxiety attacks. Pakiramdaman ko, ikaw ang magiging lakas ko kung sakaling nandon ka but no e, you're not there with me." Tuloy tuloy niyang sabi sa akin, hindi ko mapigilang hindi maiyak dahil ganoon pala ang naranasan niya noong wala ako. Akala ko naging mabuti ang kalagayan niya dahil hindi ko na siya nasasaktan but I was wrong.

"I'm sorry if I wasn't there when you need me. I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I'm sorry for everything" I said, caressing her hand and looking directly to her but she's not looking at me.

"I've suffered a lot when I left you. Noong nalaman ko na buntis ako kay Paulo, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano ako nabuntis e. At first, I can't just accept it but remembering you, I learned to love him. Don't get me wrong ha, I don't want him to experience the bad experience I have with you as my mother. I want him to feel my love, my care and my time. I want him to love me too without any doubt about himself kasi ma, I doubted myself nung okay tayo." Nakikinig nalang ako sa kanya ngayon, patuloy ma lumuluha.

"P-paano ka nabuntis?" Tanong ko ng maalalang hindi pa niya sinasabi.

"The night when dad was about to fetch me. I was alone that time in the school but I felt something at my back, I started to feel nervous that's why I called dada. I just knew that the something is actually a person. I started crying noong nakaramdam ako ng mas mabilis at malakas na yapak feeling ko malapit na siya sa akin. Nag lakad ako papunta sa gate pero malayo yon, malaki ang school namin diba. Daddy was on his way to fetch me when suddenly I heard him cried. He's crying and he started to talk something weird. Yun na yung sinasabi kong namamaalam na siya. Tuwing binibilisan ko yung mga lakad ko, bumibilis din siya. Nag panic na ako mommy kasi nakarinig ako ng parang nabasag, nabunggo and that was the accident. After that loud noise, I can't remember anything. Yung huli kong natandaan ay may nanghila na sa akin at may pinaamoy kaya nawalan ako ng malay. The next thing, I was already at the hospital and there, you left me. You left me with all the trauma that I have, I heard daddy saying something connected to goodbye and then nalaman ko na patay na siya. Kailangan na kailangan kita noon e pero umalis ka, iniwan mo ko sa hospital bed mag isa. I wanted to hate you but I just couldn't. But you know what, that's okay with me. Naiintindihan ko naman lahat" she stated. Nararamdaman ko na ang malapit na pagsabog niya kaya niyakap ko nalang siya. I didn't know anything about this. I should've listen.

"The doctor said I w-was r-raped but I don't want to believe it kasi ma, kung papaniwalaan ko pa yon, hindi ko na kakayanin. Inisip ko nalang na Paulo was a blessing. God gave him to me para may rason akong lumaban. If wala siya, matagal na akong wala dito." She said again, hugging me back.

She was what? Raped? Oh my God Irene!

"I was scared ma, I was scared... I was--" hindi na niya naituloy ang sasabihin niya ng bigla siyang makatulog sa yakap ko.

She suffered a lot but I did not do anything for her. Hinayaan ko lang ang galit kong kainin ang buong pagkatao ko.

Nanay pa ba ako? Parang hindi na. I was so selfish to the point na hindi ko na inisip ang nararamdaman ng anak ko.

Nagpatulong nalang ako sa isang guard na buhatin si White papunta sa kwarto ko.

Ng umayos siya ng higa, I did nothing but to watch her sleep peacefully and I let my tears flow. Caressing her hair and I kissed her forehead. I miss this. I miss her.

To be continued

Serene = Calm