mayas sister

therapy

2 months have passed, I wish I was 16 again and then I could change my decisions, Matthew and Robbin are 8 and they have been in elementary school for 3 years, I have to go back to work after avoiding Andy for those months, still in love with her and I hate it, I wish maya had left me, everything would be over.
I haven't been to my therapist yet need to book an appointment later today, my mind is becoming to much for me but maya doesn't need to know that.
" you ready, " maya asks as we get out of the car.
"No, but I'll be fine, " I say us not even getting trough the door before we have to get in the truck.
"Maddy," Andy says getting in the truck beside me.
"Hi," I say focusing on the cloud of smoke now coming into view.
"I haven't spoken to you for 2 months," she says sounding sad but not at the same time I nod looking around me, we have been in a heatwave so everything is extremely dry, the house that is on fire is surrounded by woods.
"Captain, we need to create a fire break," I say through through coms on the truck.
"Agreed,Herrera, Bishop, get going," she says jumping down from her seat we grab the chain saws out and start our job.
"What happened to transferring," Andy says, I'm just trying to do my job, shut up, you are making it harder for me to hate you right now.
"Disided against it," I say glumly, trying to kick anything about Andy out right now.
"That's good, I'm glad," she says, as I see a spark land on the floor I stamp it out.
"Maya, winds changed coming towards Herrera and I," I yell down coms.
"How you been, we need to talk about what happened, and about your stuff," she says.
"I don't care what happens to it, burn it for all I care, and Herrera can we keep this professional please," I say knowing I have all of the important thing like baby photos.
"Why, there's all the photos of us, you and Kate, everything," she says.
"Herrera, there is nothing worth saving if you give it to me I'll burn it keep what you want get rid of the rest I dont need any of it," I know I don't mean this if I push her away mabey it will stop hurting.
" I'm not getting rid of it those photos of me and you mean something to me and they should to you," she say I can see tears on her cheek.
"Herrera we are at work I would like to end this discussion as of now will you stop " I say hiding my face from her.

we get back to the fire House after 5 hours of this fire, finally out. I go into mayas office releasing my breath that I didn't know I was holding.
" do you mind if I do a video call with my therapist in here," I ask maya as I sit down infrot of her.
"Yeh, of course do you want me to stay or go," she asks looking worried.
"Go, if you don't mind I'll tell you after," I say she leave the room, although this is a new therapist so I'm slightly scared but I will be fine.
Video call
(T=therapist )
(M=maddy)
T, hello maddy nice to meet you.

M, yeah you to.

T,so, why did you feel the need to schedule an appointment with me.

M,recently everything, everyone has been making my anxiety come back, but my past probably doesn't help that I mean every time I close my eyes there is blood pooling around me my friends glassy eyed and dead, chests not rising, and then there The limbs and his dog tags led with a splash of blood on them, I guess my mood is going up and down but this mood lasts for a few days or weeks, I also feel like I'm not ment to be here, and I wish my older sister maya would've let me die when I was 12 and when I got trapped saving a child the other day, I knew only one of us would make it out of that building so I gave her my helmet and jacket, save the ones who can be saved I was told when I was in the academy, so that's what I did I may be fine physically but I'm drowning in my own head constantly, I did die and she shocked me back to life, she should've left me there, everyone would be happier without me, my best friend well ex best friend certainly would. I had to have surgery to make sure I would survive but that wasn't my choice, maya said I gave her that same look I gave her years ago, she said that I looked hollow, empty like I was a shell of what I used to be, maybe just maybe everything would be better with me gone.
T, you said you are suffering with ptsd, am I correct in saying that.
M,yes you are.
T, along with anxiety and depression correct.
M, correct.
T, along side those this, some of which you are describing is bipolar disorder, I would like to get you back on you medication but I will get you a new one so you can keep the fluctuations of mood under control, we will have to meet in person every 2 weeks so we will do a video call in-between that to make sure everything is okay.
M, thank you.
T, no problem maddy, I have emailed you the prescription so you can pick it up anytime today, three different medicines take them twice a day. And you will be able to get monthly refills, good talking to you maddy, have a good rest of your day.
She hangs up and someone knocks on the door.
" come in," I stutter, bipolar, what no, no this, this can't be.maya opens the door looking at my state.
"Hey, it's ok, I got you ok," she say, I see Andy looking at me through the door so I push it to.
"No, its not okay maya, nothing is, I hate it," I mumble into her chest where she was holding my head.
"Okay, it will all get better I promise, are you getting back on your medication, " she asks stroking my head.
"Yeh and I'm adding another one into the mix," I say struggling to breathe.
"What's it for," she Questions as she lays me down in her bunk bed with her.
" bipolar," I mumble calming myself down. Why, I can't tell carina, this is what got her brother killed, this would break her.