mayas sister

benched

The relationship appears to be going well, 3 weeks in and I have settled into her well should I say our apartment, robbin and Matthew have decide they wanted to stay with maya and carina as It is closer to there school and all their friends, can't lie that kinda bummed me out at first but I'm still getting used to txhe fact that they don't live with me anymore. I still haven't got back on the medication I'm ment to be taking but I'm sure it will be fine, maya think I'm taking them again and Andy knows no different.
"You ready to get going," Andy says coming behind me and wrapping her arms around my waist.
"Yeh, just give me a sec," I say turning around and hugging her," Ok now I'm ready."

When we get to work it's fairly quiet half of the team aren't even here yet and me and Andy are like half hour later than we should be both trucks still where we left them after last shift.
"I'm gonna see maya," I say letting go of andys hand as she walks up the stairs.
"Morning older sibling," I say plopping down on the sofa in her office.
"Morning, you were late, but so Is everyone today," she mumble, this isn't the first time this week this has happened.
"Sorry I was late captain, you alright," I ask.
"I'm fine maddy, sorry its not a good week for me," she says.
"Want me to come round," I ask wanting to see my kids but they probably don't want to see me.
"Maddy, you should relaxe, your therapist called me," she says, shit, I've been skipping appointments I feel fine.
"What did she want," I question.
  " wondering if your alive, you haven't been to an appointment in a month," she says.
"I feel fine stop worrying about me, I'm ok maya," I respond.
"Your on desk duty until I say otherwise," she says opening her door signalling for me to leave.
"Yes captain," I mutter before she slams the door.
Great I've been benched, if course she would find out she always does can't I have anything private anymore. She has my kids what else does she want. Oh here's an Idea everything that I enjoy. As I'm sat at the desk I can hear carina on the phone.
C:you need to tell her.
M: what that her kids have been calling us mom, and mama, carina this will kill her.
I zoned out after that. It was like I was there but not there, the same as when I was dying in that fire a few months back.
Maybe firefighting isn't for me anymore, I've done the army mabey I should try the marines. Probably be better for me now. At least then I would be forced to therapy.

"Mads," Andy say waving a hand infront of me.
"Yeh,what," I snap," sorry that was uncalled for,"
"You've got that look," she says moving hair out of my face.
"What look," i question.
" the look of I'm going to do something others will probably hate me for," she says.
"No I don't," I say kissing her to distract her from the reality.
She leaves and I go back to thinking I'd I should leave station 19, I can always come back I think and I hope, just maybe right now this isn't the best place for me to stay. I have also been thinking for the last 2 hours that I should give up my rights as a parent and let maya and carina look after them, they are better parents as much as it hurts maybe it's what's best for them, they seem to love maya and carina I mean they call them mom. As I think about this all I can see is happy memories with them, well some happy, the new one I have just make silent tears fall. I close my eyes as I rest my head on the desk slowly falling asleep.

Time jump.

I still haven't decided whether I want to stay after two months, haven't even spoken to Andy about my feelings or my therapist because I don't have one anymore, Andy is my girlfriend though, that was probably the best day of my life, maya kind of avoids me now, and I know why, but it's fine, doesn't really effect me, she let me on one call which was a five alarm, and then I was straight back on desk duty.
"Morning," I say as I walk past mayas open office, to go to the gym, I just need to run but I'm on shift so treadmill running it is.
After an hour we are all called to the Beanery, haven't been in here for a while, I'm usually in the gym, mine and andys bunk, or sat behind a desk.
"I would like to talk to you all, emmet Dixon has decided to leave station 19," maya says wow what a talk captain well done.
"Is that all captain," I ask. She nods and  leave the room. I can practically feel everyone's eyes on me, well that's my evening decided for me, well the rest of my day, I got changed while everyone was still In the Beanery and left to go to Joe's bar.
"Maddy, what you doing here," meredith asks.
"Drinking," I respond not really intending to explain my self.
"Why," she Questions.
"Never mind, being called back to work," I lie to get out of the bar and away from people I know. I walk into target grab some food and snacks for mine and andys movie night tomorrow, and a bottle of tequila for me when I get in, in around 10 minutes, and some other necessities for the month.
I pay for all of the stuff and walk home, as I open the door, for some reason I pictured my kids there but quiet and no one home, of course I don't know why I thought they would be here, they prefer maya and carina, which is fine I guess.

Sitting in the empty room that was ment to be there's I open the bottle of tequila, it's 5 o'clock somewhere in the world. Turns out ¾ of a bottle of tequila is not a good idea.
" maddy," I vaguely hear Andy yell panicked. As I stand up the world is just spinning," maddy," she says running into the room wrapping her arms around my waist and crying into my neck," I thought you were hurt, don't ever disappear like that again."