Confident || Changbin

Closer

His kiss is unexpectedly desperate and fervent when our lips finally meet again. There's such a sense of urgency to the kiss that I find it hard to catch my breath. Disregarding my health, I allow him to enter my mouth, further threatening my ability to breathe as he skims my tongue with his, gently yet with pure intention.

I feel the desire spreading under my skin so I walk him to the edge of the bed and gently push him to a seated position. He looks up at me with a fire in his eyes that's somehow both intimidating and inviting. I climb into his lap and straddle him, feeling his bulge through his jeans. As I continue the kiss, he runs his hands down my back and then underneath the t-shirt I'm wearing, finding my naked ass. He groans, realizing that I'm wide open underneath his shirt, and in response he squeezes with both of his hands and gives my bottom lip a soft bite.

I haphazardly pull the shirt off that he's wearing, messing up his hair. I look at him shirtless for the first time. Broad shoulders, thick chest, and a well fed—yet defined—stomach. He's so fucking manly. I lean down to place a kiss on his collar bone and trail similar kisses up his neck. He runs his hands up my back again, underneath the shirt this time, and gains leverage by wrapping his arms around me. Then he lifts me from his lap and turns, laying me down gently on the bed. He stands up to remove his jeans, leaving himself in only his boxers, and then climbs over me.

He hovers over me with his arms supporting him on either side, not yet touching my body. In anticipation, my hands rub the length of his arms, stopping at his biceps and then wrapping around so that I could pull him down to me. He lowers his body, finally letting our bodies meet with only a thin piece of fabric between us. I feel the length of his hard cock against me and I gasp, satisfied with the pressure.

"Changbin..." I moan softly, asking for more. He stifles a moan of his own and grinds against me, heightening our pleasure and our anticipation. With my hands still gripping his arms, I arch my back to feel him better, and notice the wetness on his boxers as a result of my arousal.

"Please kiss me." I beg. He obliges and kisses me softly this time, slow and gentle. He pulls away just enough to look at me and he pushes the hair out of my face.

"You're so beautiful, Sage."

I smile, my stomach fluttering at the compliment, but then my heart drops when I see his face fall. He caresses my cheek and I watch as he furrows his eyebrows and then closes his eyes, shaking his head ever so slightly.

"What's wrong?" I ask, worried. He removes himself from me and instead sits next to me on the bed, hiding his face in his hands. I sit up too, but suddenly I feel very exposed and I cover myself with the blanket. Once again, he pulls away when things get too physical.

Changbin sighs, not one of frustration but of genuine disappointment.

"I'm so sorry, but I don't think it would be very fair for either of us if we continued."

"Oh." It's all I could think of to say.

"I'm going back home tomorrow, to Korea." He whispers as if he didn't want to say it. My stomach tightens. I sit in silence, shocked and embarrassed as I try to figure out what to say.

"You know, I've been in my head all week thinking about this. I was having the hardest time trying to figure out if you actually like me or not. Now I guess I have my answer."

His eyes widen, hurt. "No, Sage, that's not it! I want you more than anything right now. But I don't want to sleep with you and then leave you. I won't stop wanting you if that happens." He grabs my hand but looks down again. "And I don't think I have the willpower to want you if I can't actually have you."

"What do you mean, 'if you can't have me'?" I feel puny and pathetic as soon as I ask. I'm clinging to the false hope where he said he wants me instead of focusing on the harsh reality that he's rejecting me right now.

"What I mean is we have two very different lives. You have a job here in New York and I live halfway across the world. My schedule is so busy and the time difference is crazy. It just doesn't work."

I feel hurt and angry that he's assuming all this and giving up, if the feelings he says he has are true.

"I feel like you've led me on. I think it would have been a lot easier if you told me from the beginning and we could have just made this strictly physical."

"I didn't want it to be just physical. You deserve so much more than that. But I realize now that this isn't any better. I'm sorry, Sage."

Before I even realize that it's happening, tears start to well up in my eyes. I can't tell if it's the alcohol, the embarrassment, or the sting of my nonexistent relationship with Changbin coming to an end. Damn it, I don't want to cry in front of him. I don't want him to see how he's hurt me. This feels like a breakup and we aren't even dating.

He wraps his arms around me while I cry.

"None of this is your fault." He says to me gently. Him taking responsibility for everything somehow doesn't make me feel any better. Somehow it makes me like him even more and it hurts to know that I can't have him.

It's too late for Changbin to call for a ride for me and we both agree that taking a cab by myself at this hour isn't the best idea. I reluctantly put the too-big sweat pants back on and I crawl into the extra bed. It's awkward. I don't think either one of us can fall asleep. My mind keeps going over scenarios in my head, wondering if I could have done anything to get a different outcome. It's pathetic. I hear him tossing and turning on the other bed for at least a few hours before I finally hear a light snore out of him. Once he's asleep, I find it a little easier to shut my thoughts off for the night.

At around 7am, I sneak out of his room and find the laundry facilities in the hotel. I clean my dress from the night before just enough so that I can wear it home. I fold the t-shirt and sweatpants that he lent me and place them on the dresser of the hotel room. I take one last look at him while he's sleeping. He doesn't look like he's resting well. He looks pained, uncomfortable. Everything in me wants to give him one last hug before I go. Before he goes back to South Korea. But I decide not to wake him.

I can't say goodbye.