Because of You

4

I remember back then A'Xian would get nightmares from living on the streets. I would try to get him to tell me about them so hopefully it could ease his mind. Once a bad dream or nightmare is spoken of, it has less power over you. It eases your mind knowing someone else was willing to hear such a fearful tale. It was still the case this time. A'Xian often woke up in tears from a bad dream. Sometimes he'd accidentally wake A'Cheng in the process as they share a space. A'Cheng would be the one to come and get me if he was woken up by A'Xian's crying.

Tonight was one of those nights. I sat in the bed next to A'Xian, running my fingers through his hair and let him snuggle close to me as he tried to calm down. It was always a vulnerable moment for A'Xian. Because I am cultivating so well this time, I tell him I won't let anyone or anything happen to him. I would say that to ease is mind in the past, but this time it was the truth.

"A'Xian, you know, fear is something every person has to face. You have Jasmine by your side now. She will not let any harm come to you. A'Cheng was very kind to share her with you," I said to him.

"I will help you too," A'Cheng said, "no need to be afraid. If it is mother you are afraid of, we will deal with her together."

"I am not afraid of Madam Yu," A'Xian said, "I am afraid to lose this home. I don't have anything else or anywhere else to go."

"You won't be going anywhere," I told him, "Lotus Pier is your home. You should not and should never have to worry about that."

A'Xian nodded.

Thinking back, I began to wonder if it was always a fear. A'Xian lost everything. He lost his real parents, and then after Lotus Pier was destroyed, he lost another set, even though they were not fair to him. He then had a third family with Wen Qing and Wen Ning. He lost them too. He fought and he fought, and he tried to push others away at the same time. He lost everything in the end, but how much more than family did he actually lose?

I sat there for a few hours just trying to comfort and calm A'Xian. Jiang Cheng eventually took over and laid with A'Xian for the night, having Jasmine lay between them. It was so nice seeing A'Xian not being afraid of dogs. It was to be useful later I'm sure.

There were so many things for A'Xian I wanted to help change. His fear of dogs was one of them. My mother was another. She was tolerating him more this time around than last time. I think it is because I am cultivating this time. My mother has been training me more too. After I became good enough, she accepted to train me. Even with training me to use a spiritual whip.

I named my whip Yè Lì (Karma). It is because I want to make those who have hurt my family face it. What goes around comes back around eventually, and so far, Yè Lì (Karma), was something I wanted to really learn to use and be disciplined in. It is a good tool to use, as my mother uses her Zidian, I see how confident she is when she uses it. I do not want to use it to hurt family but to defend myself and my family. I want to make sure that everything goes smoothly this time. Being so young right now, I can only do so much. All I can do is train, but I will make sure it will be worth it.

After some years later, A'Xian was doing really well. He was actually treated much better. When I felt the time was right, I sat down with both my parents, one on one first, and told them that their discussions and disagreements they have, effect us a lot, especially A'Xian. I explained to both of them that he feels burdened and that he feels unwelcome because all he feels like he does is cause them both to argue. My mother, she was a bit harder to converse with but in the end, I told her that her attitude was unnecessary towards A'Xian.

"How is it Wei Wuxian's fault for his parents accident and for him to live with us?" I asked her, "why are you always willing to tell him he isn't worth any of our love, training, and support. He has no one else. He wants your approval more than anyone. He told me, even though he is intimidated by you, he actually admires your ability to be in control, he likes your confidence, and the way you handle yourself. He likes that you are strong and willing to be a fighter. He wants you to know him and support him. He wants you to be like a mother to him. A'Cheng and I have both of you, but A'Xian really just wants to be approved by you."

My mother seemed quite surprised to hear what I had to say. She wasn't expecting me to tell her that A'Xian actually respects her and admires her. I want A'Xian to be able to wear our purple robes and be able to carry a clarity bell. I want him to feel like he has a family here.

I do not want him to feel like all he is, is a shield or a body guard. I don't want him to feel alone, and feel like he can't come to any of us to talk about his problems. If he trusted us fully in the past, he wouldn't have been so distant and actually talked to us. I do not want him to ever feel like that again. I want him to come to me and tell me if he is upset, I want him to tell me that if he needs me, no matter who I am with or where I am, he has my support and I will be there for him.

I remember back then, I left with Jin Zixuan and Madam Jin because I felt pressured. I was confessed to on the spot and I didn't know what to do. I knew he needed me back then, and I just left him there, and I didn't really get to see him again until I showed him my wedding robes and then the night he died.

As much as I had such an interest in Jin Zixuan, I am not sure if I will actually accept the engagement this time. I am going to speak with my mother about that and tell her, even though her and madam Jin are close, I want to be with someone who isn't actually so arrogant.

Never again, will I abandon him.

I will make sure that who ever I am with, he comes FIRST.