𝐌𝐲 𝐀𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧; 𝐬𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐥

Not a update, wanted to talk

Trigger warning! Talks about su!c!de attempt, past memories. Do not read if your going through something, I don't want to see my readers upset because of something I wanted to share and start questioning themselves.

Things are pretty fucked up right now in my life and I'm going back to the phase that took me at-least 3 years to get out of. The updating process is rather slow at the moment and honestly its so hard for me to write right now.

This year I've lost a total of 5 people, three to death and 2 to distancing, I haven't been mainly focused as I should and I'm sick and tired of crying. I can't fathom how many times i've wanted to give up and lose it all, hiding the pain by a simple smile on my face that blindly make people who were around me assume I was fine when in reality I wanted to end it all without a single care in the world.

Some of my stories are based off my true feelings, such as Jinx with getting attached with someone who I grew to learn about my sexuality with and first helped when it was discovered of my depression. But eventually left and now i'm back to square one.

Secret assassin with the harsh reality I faced with losing those people and the consequences of my actions for thinking we could work out when it was simple and obvious that we couldnt.

Lit my soul for longing for something I couldn't nor shouldn't have.

And nostalgia for always wishing the best even in the worst situations, but always on the recieving end which you were always given pain.

I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. Sometimes I regard myself as a human being but then other times I'd rather keep things to myself and believe what a mistake I was, what a waste of a human being I became by letting myself believe I could be anything of the sort of becoming special. But I had to learn the hard way that Life isn't that easy.

I thought if I were nice they would've stayed, If I revealed too much they would've left but unfortunately they did. And there's no one to blame but me in this situation.

I revealed too much of myself when I got comfortable, the past me when I was conflicted about life and simply took life for granted and believed anyone could be happy, but it was not that easy, though I wish it was.

Growing up it was pain after pain, happiness taken away in the blink of an eye, so why do I still hope for it? That I don't know, being a writer I should've put this into better words but lifes a bitch and will kick you in the ass if you take it for granted. Sometimes I would ask myself if it were a good idea if I were to go back into that phase when all I ever thought about was if I wasn't on this earth anymore. I lost my will ages ago, so as of now I'm just sitting here waiting for my final decision.

I don't think things would ever go to that point, but I have no say in what happens in the future though it would be mine and mine alone. Nothing is ever truly that ones own, everything is controlled by another.

I'm truly sorry for abandoning you guys on this app, I love you all and you guys are one of the main reason's why I'm still alive so, thank you. Even when its late at night and I get the simplest notif from wattpad saying you guys voted for one of my chapters, I gained a new follower or you talking in my comment section... It makes me happy seeing you guys enjoy the stories I put my all into, I really hoped you guys enjoyed those. Even the parts when you guys criticize them makes me giggle a little knowing i'm the writer and yet the writer is supposed to make sure the story is perfect and no errors, but I guess every writer has those moments, even the amateurs.

Although, I don't know how long I could last for until it fully breaks me, and the sad fact is that I'm practically waiting for it to do so. Losing the last ounce of happiness I have to fully realize and witness a a young human being shattered in a matter of seconds, to see a child be so hurt by life until it cracks them and their pride until they eventually give up.

But a part of me doesn't want to wait, doesn't want for it to get that bad, so i'll try. I'll try to ensure my safety and for the people who cares for reassurance that i'm ok. My family doesn't know what's going on and that should probably be my first step to suceeding but I love you all so much, I'll try to have a update here soon, just please bare with me.

Thank you for listening and

I'm sorry, Chimmydiorrr.