The Sinfully Wedded

Chapter 18

How strong can a person be?

No, really.

How strong can you be when it feels like the universe continuously throws every significant and minor inconvenience your way? You grow up hoping all good will come and are taught to keep pushing, but it feels harder as each day passes.

Sometimes I believe God is bringing me all of this pain because he wants me to join him, my mother. Is suicide a good thing? Is death the goal? Is that what we're going all of this for? To die and finally be at peace? Is this the growth before life truly starts?

As I sat on the couch covered in a soft, fluffy blanket and caught up on the work I'd been procrastinating on these past couple of weeks, the sun slowly fell behind the buildings. The living room darkened, leaving me in the dim light coming from the lamp and fireplace.

Sinn was coming home from work now, he texted me a little while ago. He was grabbing takeout, meaning I wouldn't need to cook tonight. I made myself tea to settle my stomach down and ease my body.

Every few nights, I'd wake up in a sweat, crying and shaking with nausea. I'd barely slept, thinking every time I'd close my eyes, what I could remember during that night would replay again. It kept on coming back and all I wanted was to forget it happened.

Sinn woke up to me beside him after the first time but didn't complain so I've been sleeping with him ever since. With the little to no sleep I was getting, I decided to drink some tea in an attempt to calm myself down.

But I couldn't. I was paranoid, petrified, and in constant pain even though it'd been a while since it happened. It still hurt, mentally, making me think that raw, ripping, wretched pain lingered in every part of my body that he had touched and would never go away.

It would never go away. Especially now.

I turned my head towards the front door as I heard Sinn put in the code and push it open. My welcoming grin fell as a voice reached my ears, making me feel like my stomach was in my chest and my heart was in its place. My insides burned with discomfort and fear.

Kai and Julian walked in behind him, causing an ache in my chest as he spoke, "I'm so glad that fucking meeting is over."

"I'm so glad you joined us."

No.

No, please no.

They laughed and talked. Talked so much, it drove me crazy. His voice made me want to scream and yell and cry. It was him. The more he joked and laughed and talked and talked and talked and talked made it obvious.

Stop talking.

"Hey, princess," Sinn whispered and softly kissed my neck, "come eat. You must be hungry, hm?" I nodded, looking straight into the fireplace, watching his reflection and Kai's at the dinner table, taking the food out of the bag.

Sinn almost walked away before I quickly turned and grabbed his shirt. He turned around, his body thankfully covering me from them as he leaned down to me, "you okay?"

I nodded frantically, not meaning to but whispering in desperation as I requested that we sit on the couch and eat instead. He agreed, not confused or suspicious in the slightest since we'd do it a lot anyway.

He walked around the couch and I made sure he was as close to me as possible while he told them to bring everything here. I was in the corner, meaning Julian wouldn't get to sit anywhere near me.

I kept my head down as they came over, mumbling hello as they greeted me. I felt his dark eyes on me, daring me to look up, knowing I knew, knowing I was afraid and confused, mortified and conflicted about what I was supposed to do now.