The Sinfully Wedded

Chapter 33

His beautiful lie could temporarily, but not permanently, hide what was really an ugly truth. Our love, our growth, our memories no longer felt real. They were a fantasy that I foolishly believed in.

Thinking of his warmth made me shiver as if he was now cold. As if everything he made me feel has now frozen over and stopped. His arms, which I perceived as a shield, were now a suffocating cage that I now realize had me trapped. His soft, sweet words were dishonest.

He's deceitful.

But it's not all on him, is it? I've taken advantage of his love if I can even call it that. I whispered around him about Julian because I felt that I had no choice. Maybe he didn't either.

There was so much wrong. So much I'd forgotten about myself along the way. I love him and after everything, I still believe he felt something for me as well. But there was something wrong, I just didn't know what it was until now.

We didn't communicate. We didn't talk, we weren't comfortable enough to confide in each other. To just let go and trust.

Why? Because we were scared? Not ready? I don't know. I'll never know.

On top of all of that, his family killed my mother, he was planning on killing me and I was basically sold to him. How could I get over that? How could anyone? He kept it quiet for so long.

When she died, my father ran. When we married, Sinn would run. Why couldn't I? They got away with it all the time.

I was tired, scared and confused. I wanted to be on my own, and understand myself and my feelings. I never had a chance to know who I was before being thrown into another person's life who I was supposed to share as well.

How was I supposed to love properly when I didn't know what love was within? How were we supposed to keep going when what I thought we'd built was really a pedestal of lies?

This was inevitable. It was just waiting to happen.

Although I haven't seen his face in over a month, each detail is etched into my mind. The light feeling of his stubble against the palms of my hand when he wouldn't shave for a few days. His thick, black hair, soft between my fingers as I'd run them through. His dark, blue eyes staring down at mine. His perfect smile every time he walked through the door and lifted me into his arms to share a long, silent embrace.

I feel everything, I see everything, every moment of every day. I hurt and cry until it all comes crashing down on me and I realize that whilst I fell in love, he was waiting for the call to kill me. As I cared for him and trusted him, the death of my mother being in his family's hands was in the back of his mind.

He had every opportunity to tell me. Every chance to come clean and save me from this heartache. Yet he didn't. Because he was selfish. In the depths of all of this hurt and pain he'd caused was only rage.

It's what stopped me from running back to him every time.

I didn't want revenge, I didn't want to see them hurt as I have been. I just want peace. I want to be left alone. For the past month, he's respected that. But this month might be all I've got left.

"One more month. Sinn's ready to put a bullet in her head if he needs to."

I brushed my fingers through my hair as I walked out of my room and towards the kitchen of my apartment. I'd decorated as much as I could in the little time that I'd been staying here. It was decent enough with white, silk curtains at the windows and a few plants here and there.

I bought a small, white table to sit and eat dinner at in front of my couch. I'd spend most of my time outside of work sitting there and watching movies on a small TV that was being sold by a family down the street.