Things Fall Apart

12 . SESSION 32

naomi

September 2007
Harlem, New York

"How we go from favorites to being complete strangers?
Help me understand, it wasn't in our plans
Under the stars you were mine
We fell in love, thought it was real
But I guess I was wrong
Left me alone, you ruined me
In my favorite city, New York don't feel the same"

"You just gave birth, you think it's a good idea to start school this semester?"

I rolled my eyes, glancing up at Chris and then focusing back on my laptop screen. Suddenly he looked so stupid to me.

I wished he would just fucking leave already.

It was so hard living in this house with him day after day, night after night.

It's been two weeks since I came home from the hospital, and almost two months since he moved his ass in the condo with us. We were like distant roommates— I spent most of my time with CJ hanging from my chest, and he came and went as he pleased between work. If he did leave town at all, he was back within a day. I just knew he was working on the second album so he was busy, but he kept saying we were his priority so he was here. Whether I liked it or not.

Just like every fucking thing else in this relationship. Or whatever it was.

I was just ready to start college and get on with my life. I got accepted into my business program at Seton Hall and they even agreed to let me start a few weeks later since my due date was so close to the first day of classes. It was a little far, about an hour drive, but it was what I wanted and I only had to go three days a week.

The rest of my life was all about CJ. He was really the light of my life. I thought I knew love...but this was love. My pregnancy was rough, to say the very least, but he made it all worth it. Even dealing with his stupid ass father.

I could already see so much of both of us in him. He had my skin, but his daddy's loud mouth and wavy hair. He was perfection. I couldn't understand how anybody could walk away from their baby.

"You already paid for it, right? So I'm going." I responded, forcing a sarcastic smile that made him sigh in frustration.

"Fine...whatever you say Nae. Imma go get ready to go to the studio, I'll holla." He stood up from his seat, strolling out the kitchen and disappearing into the living room.

"Yup."

Go call your fucking girlfriend and tell her what to do.

I wanted to say it...but the less we spoke, the better.

°°°

"Ugh, he's so adorable." Dutch rocked CJ's baby chair back and forth, peering inside at him as he playfully blew spit bubbles. "He look just like you."

"Chris said the same thing." I sipped my tea, tiredly lowering myself onto the couch. Auntie Cam had me drinking breast milk tea everyday, she was making sure this baby got fed.

"How's that going? Y'all still not cool?"

"We're fine, I guess." I  shrugged, immediately becoming exhausted having to talk about it. My emotions were all over the place. I mean, we just brought a life into the world together, so I guess felt closer to him than I ever have. The moment we shared after I gave birth felt good...it felt right. But then once we  got back under the same roof it forced me to face reality. We weren't a family, we didn't have a home. Me and CJ were his obligation and responsibility, he's doing what he's supposed to do.

But the day would come where he'd have to pack his bags and leave. And we would be alone again. And he'd be in and out again.

The experience of having our first child together was ruined...because of everything he did.

"I'm happy he's here...and CJ gets to be with his daddy. He helps a lot but...I think it just makes me sad." I shrugged again, watching Dutch nod in understanding. "We were supposed to be...a family. Like a real family. This wasn't supposed to happen this way but I'm just rolling with it and hoping for the best."

"Y'all still a family, Nae."

"No the hell we ain't." I laughed bitterly, shaking my head. "I don't even want him around me most of the time Dutch, honestly. We're just raising a baby together. We don't even sleep in the same bed...I mean obviously we shouldn't but still. I pictured us getting married, having a baby and being in love."

"Do that make it any less real though? Y'all not together but that nigga obviously still loves you and cares about you. I know he love his son. And he's here, showing up for y'all. What more you need to be a family?"

"Some kind of home or something Dutch. He moved in here with some fucking suit cases and shoe boxes. In the guest room! In another month he'll move all his shit out, and then we're gonna have to talk about visitation. What kinda family is that?"

We already agreed not to get courts and the law involved. It wasn't necessary. But eventually I just knew I'd get some kind of message from that bitch Tina about the visitation schedule and splitting our time.

Really it was simple.

He was going to be flying all over the world with his girlfriend, having the time of this life, and I'd be here raising our child in the house we were supposed to be living in married.

"Just cause it don't look like how you thought it would, don't make it any less real Nae. I get it but...nah. It's a lot of bitches out here having babies by bums with no coin and no plans. Some of these niggas won't come see about their kids if you paid them. Bitch your baby father got you a nice ass crib, and then the nigga moved in here to make sure you was good and y'all baby is good. That's a good dad and a good person."

"I never said he wasn't a good person. I'm just going through it. I always said when I had a baby, I would give them everything I didn't have growing up. You know the one thing I ain't have? The one thing Daddy could never give me? A family. A mom, and a dad under the same roof, until death do us part. And he took that from me, Dutch. I can't get over that this easy. I love him but this is hard for me."

I was trying so hard not to break down in tears. I was sad, angry, disappointed...I was feeling every emotion.

I was starting to hate Chris.

"He made a big fucking deal about my birthday, bought me that stupid ass car, talking 'bout a 'push gift.' To tell me two days later that he has a girlfriend now. And everybody acting like I'm not allowed to be mad!"

"We know why you're mad Nae, we get it. But you knew he would get a girl eventually, right?"

I sucked my teeth, not wanting to hear another word.

"We just broke up in January."

"Baby you we're breaking up for a long time. He was just the one brave enough to end it"

"Thanks Dutch."

"I'm just saying!" He held his hands up in surrender. "We just want you to be happy Nae."

"Well I can't be happy right now."