"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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Naomi August 20th, 2010 Harlem, New York
"Show me your scars And I won't walk away And I know I promised that I couldn't stay, baby Every promise don't work out that way"
It's like you wait your whole life to turn 21 years old, only to find out that nothing changes.
I thought when I woke up the morning of my 21st birthday, I'd have something new figured out. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but whatever it was, didn't happen.
My birthday fell on an awkward Thursday this year, so I got up and went to work like it was a normal day. The salon was busy because of back to school season, everybody was out in the streets to enjoy the last of the New York summer, and even though it was hot as hell, it wasn't sticky and smoggy out. I took a little extra time to put some makeup on and wear something cute other than my usual work attire, just so that I had something to remind me that today is special.
I didn't have any plans other than going out without using my fake ID for the first time. Steph got it for me the summer I turned 15 so that she could drag me everywhere she went, even though I didn't usually need it, most bouncers let me into the clubs and bars without a second look.
For 9 hours, I stood in the salon doing back to back wash and sets, silk presses and blowouts. The cashier at the soul food restaurant a block and a half away from us knew it was my birthday and rang my lunch up for free. I've been going there since I was a little girl, every summer when I wanted something that reminded me of home. Usually I'd sit in Auntie Cam's office and eat, but today I sat outside and enjoyed the sun, watching little kids zoom by me on their bikes and scooters.
And honestly it all felt so perfect. I didn't need the flashy gifts and jewelry and cars. I actually liked my simple little life, because I was exactly where I always said I wanted to be.
At the end of my shift, I stood in front my work station with a permanent smile on my face, and my nose buried in the vibrant bouquet of long stem roses Chris had delivered earlier today. He already had all my gifts and more flowers sent over last night but he wouldn't be him if he didn't go the extra little mile.
I'm such a fucking crybaby, I got all teary eyed reading the sweet little note he wrote me on the card attached to the stick that was planted in the pearly, round vase.
He's been better. A lot better. He's been seeing a therapist for over a month now, and we even talked about a possible substance abuse program. One of the terms of his probation is that he has to randomly drug test, so the more private we could be about getting him help, the better. The goal was to keep him out of rehab and definitely the hell out of jail.
I know we can do it too. In my heart, I know we can. I know he actually wants to be better. Addiction is a terrible disease and we both knew so many people who lost the battle to it. I was trusting him to make better decisions. Whenever we talked on the phone or FaceTime he seemed to be in a good place, a complete 180 difference from that man I saw back in June.
