"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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chris
"Time, I put some time aside for you Mind, busy on my mind, need you No more blurring lines You know what I like when it comes to you I'll let you decide, your place or mine But it's overdue"
I hung out with my mama and Mijo for a couple hours and then I decided I wanted some alone time with my son. My career made it possible for me to provide for him, give him everything he'd ever want and need, but it came at the price of being away from him for weeks at a time. After he was born I might have only been home with him for a month before I was on the road again and I felt so guilty about that shit. He needed me, Nae needed me...but am I supposed to let us go broke? Nah, I gotta work. I gotta make sure they're good, for life.
They'll understand one day, maybe not now.
He's four months old now and it felt like I blinked and missed his whole life. I wanted him to slow down for a second.
I was laid down on my back on my bedroom floor, while he wiggled around on his play mat...literally just rolling around and making little sounds.
"I can't wait until you can talk, man. You don't really be saying shit now." I reached out while I spoke, giving him my index finger to hold onto. "I'm sorry I ain't been around, little man. But I'm working hard to take care of you and Mommy. Cause I love y'all...more than anything in the world."
He just stared back at me, with Nae's bright eyes that made me smile a little. I always loved her eyes...I used to get lost in them. It made sense that I went half on a baby with the love of my life and he had my favorite feature of hers.
"I want you to know...I love your mama. I know we been fighting a lot, and you don't really know what's going on but I promise you that this ain't us. We're gonna be good parents. We gonna work it out, and we all gonna be together soon. Me, you, mommy...and maybe next year, your sister. Or the year after, I don't know, your mama real serious about school. We might gotta wait on your sister. But it's cool because in the meantime, it's me and you."
I watched him reach out for me, and I gave him my whole hand. He immediately wrapped both his small hands around it, making little noises as he looked around the room and then back at me.
"I love you, son. I'm not perfect but...I love the shit out you. Imma be here to raise you, I promise. We gonna be a family again real soon."
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