"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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Naomi June 1st, 2010 Los Angeles, California
"I'm writing this letter to let you know I'm really leaving And no, I'm not keeping your shit Heard you got some new homies Got some new hobbies, even a new hoe too Maybe she can come help you Maybe she can come lick you after we're done What's done is done I don't want nothing else to do with it"
It's been almost exactly two and a half months since Chris and I had our big, blow up argument. We've spoken a few times but never about anything other than our son. I tried to reconcile with him several times and he kept on avoiding the conversation we needed to have. He'd always just circle back to arrangements for CJ or rush me off the phone, pretending to be busy with tour stuff.
But I know him, I could tell there were a million things he wanted to say to me. He just wouldn't and I couldn't make him. I'm tired of trying. I've lost track of who's right and who's wrong in this whole thing. I didn't care anymore honestly.
Fuck him.
That morning a few months ago in my kitchen, I specifically asked him to not push me away anymore when we argue. It's the one thing I asked. I told him how hurtful and disrespectful it was, and he's doing exactly that right now. For what? So he could run around with some new bitch?
Spend every fucking day with her...bring her all over the country...buy her shit.
Every time I saw them together I wanted to kill him.
Then right near the end of his tour, his new mixtape comes out and his bitch ass has the nerve to have a song on there talking about "I'm chucking up the deuces...you'll regret when I find another girl...you're always waiting for me to fuck up." Honestly, as soon as I heard it, most of the sadness I had left turned into pure anger. He was talking about me all over that mixtape honestly, and in between the love songs all I heard was disrespect. And he had the whole world singing along to it. Like I'm the bad guy.
So when I saw him I wasn't sure how I was going to feel.
We made arrangements for me to fly out to LA and pick up CJ, after I spent a week in Virginia with Daddy, Skye and Raven. The trip was actually three fold— get my son, visit Kenya since she couldn't come home this summer because of her law internship, and possibly attend Chris' 21st birthday party. Since he was on tour for his actual birthday last month, Mijo and his cousins planned a big house party for him. Mijo begged me on the phone to come, even though I didn't want to be there and I knew Chris didn't want me there. We'll see how that goes.
