"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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Rasean
"I wanna cry And I ain't even tryna fight it Don't wanna die no more 'Cause now you're here and I just wanna be Right by your side On any night that you be crying, baby I'll dry your eyes"
I stopped having nightmares a long time ago because I lived through all my worst fears.
All the things I've seen...and the things I've felt...I relived them with my eyes wide open. I could look you in your eyes and feel how the sun warmed my face the day my mothers casket get lowered into the dirt, or how the weight of my best friends body gradually got heavier...and heavier while he died in my hands. At any given moment in the day, I felt pressure on my chest and blood on my hands that wasn't actually there.
At first, I couldn't sleep. My paranoia kept me up for days and I ain't rest. But after a while...rest was the only way I knew peace. Ironically, now I don't have a choice. Slowly...my life is leaving my body. I couldn't inhale...I couldn't open my eyes. I'm at rest.
The second I lost consciousness I heard my father's voice in my head..."In this life you're either your own worst enemy, or your own best friend."
My whole life has been a balancing act of self preservation and self sabotage. For years, every decision I made led me closer to my own destruction, and I walked towards it bravely until the day NaNa was born. I lost my will to die, as soon as I had something to live for.
She was the next thing I saw when I went under. Nana...at 9 years old. The first day I made her put on her boxing gloves and go in the backyard with me, and I taught her how to fight.
How to punch...
...bob...
...weave...
...block.
"Make your daughter strong enough to survive without you..." That's what I told myself. "Prepare her for your last breath."
I did that. So I believed I could go in peace.
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