"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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naomi
"You and I I lose every fight We blur every line, and risk it every time Girl, who do you blame? Blame me I never start a fight, I man up every time."
"Look at my beautiful fat baby." I cooed to CJ, lifting him out his bassinet and kissing all over his face. The sweet sound that left his mouth almost made me melt right there in the middle of my bedroom. It wasn't a laugh, he couldn't really laugh yet, but it was a happy noise. His tiny hand landed on my chest, pushing my robe out the way. "I know, I know you're hungry. You're not even fussing, you're so patient with mommy." I adjusted him in my arms to his eating position, taking my boob out and he wasted no time getting to it.
I shut my eyes, walking in circles around the room while he ate.
I'd been in this house for a week straight— I've seen nothing but these four walls and I was sick of it. I needed to get out and do something. I was miserable enough with that man sleeping up the hall in my guest room, but I was getting cabin fever in this damn condo.
I was scared to even take CJ outside. For a few reasons.
I didn't want him to get exposed to any harmful germs. He was only a few weeks old, he wasn't ready yet.
But I was also lowkey worried about the media. I'd been a secret since before Chris' first album even dropped. His manager made it real clear from the beginning that he couldn't publicly have a girlfriend, because of his image. It hurt my feelings at the time but I dealt with it...for two years. I wasn't in the public eye...he'd be 'pictured' with other girls, including the one he's conveniently dating now, and I didn't trip. Honestly, I wanted my life to stay private. It was weird enough that everybody back home knew about us, I didn't want the world in our business too.
So because nobody knows about me, nobody knows about CJ. But still, you never know how stuff gets out. I wanted to play it safe for now just in case.
The chiming of the front doorbell rang throughout the house, and I was genuinely confused because I wasn't expecting anybody or anything. I kept CJ pressed tightly to me, strolling out my bedroom and downstairs, through the living room. Chris was already at the front door, holding it open as Mama J walked through it.
Him and I have barely spoke since the night we got into it in the kitchen. Which wouldn't have even happened if he just did what I asked and left me alone. That was almost a week ago. I wasn't even sure why I was so sad and crying that night, maybe it's postpartum, but I was just going through it and then seeing him made it even worse. I didn't care either— I had an attitude and I'm gonna continue having one! I didn't want to talk about anything that didn't have to do with our child. Period.
He burned his last bridge with me.
"Mamaaaaaa." I sang quietly, walking straight into her arms for a hug. Her and Daddy were here when I gave birth but they both left the following week. So I was happy to see her face.
