The European Enigma (LSD, #9)

2. The Andorran Accountant

The Andorran Accountant

This is going to be boring. This is probably the most boring story you've ever heard. When I think about it, I dare to say this is the most boring story you'll ever read. This story is so boring that, if there were a prize for the most boring story, this story would win easily, but such a prize doesn't exist. So, to avoid any excitement, I'll keep this story as boring as possible.

This story is about an accountant. Not about just any accountant. It's about the accountant of Andorra. That country is so small, they have only one accountant. I can't give you his name. That's classified information. Accountants get paid to keep secrets.

The accountant wore a boring suit with a boring tie and boring shoes. He sat in a boring room in a boring building. He worked every day. Boring. Until he was tired. Boring.

His first visitor was a man. I can't give you his name. That's classified information. All I can tell you is that he won last year's Wimbledon. The man said to the accountant: "Here I have a suitcase. Inside is 10 million Pounds. What can you do for me?"

The accountant said: "I can open an account for you. I'm an accountant. That's what I do. You leave the suitcase here with me. No tax!!! No tax!!! No tax!!!"

The winner of last year's Wimbledon said: "Okay.", left the suitcase, and left the room.

His second visitor was a woman. I can't give you her name. That's classified information. All I can tell you is that she won last year's Oscar for best actress. The woman said to the accountant: "Here I have a suitcase with 10 million Dollars. What can you do for me?"

The accountant said: "I open an account for you. I'm an accountant. That's what I do. You leave the suitcase here with me. No tax!!! No tax!!! No tax!!!"

The winner of last year's Oscar for best actress said: "Okay.", left the suitcase, and left the room.

His third visitor was a child. I can't give you her name. That's classified information. All I can tell you is that her father won last year's Wimbledon, her mother won last year's Oscar for best actress, and the child's single was ten weeks at number one in the charts of almost every European country last summer. The child said to the accountant: "Here I have a suitcase with 10 million Euros. What can you do for me?"

The accountant said: "I can open an account for you. I'm an accountant. That's what I do. You leave the suitcase here with me. No tax!!! No tax!!! No tax!!!"

The ten weeks number one in the charts of almost every European country said: "Okay.", left the suitcase, and left the room.

Now the door opened and the dog of last year's winner of Wimbledon came in, followed by the cat of the winner of last year's Oscar for best actress, I can't give you their names, but they started to fight, so the accountant opened the window and threw them both out because any form of conflict would make this story interesting, and we can't have that. Neither the cat nor the dog had a suitcase with money, by the way.

His fourth visitor was a man. I can't give you his name. That's classified information. All I can tell you is that he's a former Italian President. The man said to the accountant: "Here I have a suitcase with 10 million in various currencies. What can you do for me?"

The accountant said: "I can open an account for you. I'm an accountant. That's what I do. You leave the suitcase here with me. No tax!!! No tax!!! No tax!!!"

The former Italian President said: "Okay.", left the suitcase, and left the room.

That was the last visitor that morning. It had been a busy morning. It was time for lunch. The accountant did not eat lunch in one of those exciting restaurants in Andorra. He took a paper bag out of his suitcase. It contained two sandwiches, one with cheese and one with ham, and an apple. That was his lunch. He went outside and found a bench in the park. There he sat and ate his lunch.

A well-dressed gentleman stepped out of the shadows. He sat down on the bench, next to the accountant. He asked: "What's your name?"

"I can't tell you that. That's classified information. All I can tell you is that I'm the accountant. I can open accounts. That's what I do.", the accountant answered.

"Fair enough. You can call me the Diplomat. I want you to work for us.", the well-dressed gentleman said.

"Who's «us»?", the accountant asked.

"The Luxembourg government.", the Diplomat answered.

"How much will you pay me?", the accountant asked.

The Diplomat told him the amount.

"Do I pay taxes in Luxembourg?", the accountant asked.

"Yes.", the Diplomat answered.

"Then I won't do it. No tax!!! No tax!!! No tax!!! No deal.", the accountant said.

"Fair enough. I just wanted to know.", the Diplomat said. He stood up and went back to the shadows he came from.

After lunch, the accountant returned to his office, his boring office. He picked up the phone and called a taxi. When the taxi arrived, he asked the driver to put the four suitcases in the boot, stepped in the back of the taxi, and drove off. Nobody has ever seen him again. Well... nobody except me. But I won't tell you where he's hanging out, and with whom. Not one word from me about Bunga-Bunga parties in exotic places. I promised you a boring story. He paid me a million to keep my mouth shut. No tax!!! No tax!!! No tax!!!

"That's what you thought! But now I know about that million too. I tax it, 1 for you, 19 for me, and I give you a fine for your attempt to keep it out of my sight, and when you try to spend it, I'll tax it again, and when you die, I'll be there to tax the rest, because I'm the taxman..."