The European Enigma (LSD, #9)

27. The Macedonian Menu

The Macedonian Menu

The Diplomat launched his confident smile, searched for eye contact amongst his audience of high officials, placed his hands on the stand, and started his speech: "Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to this First Banquet for European Leaders. Take a look at our menu: we have rock a la carte and breakfast at Tiffany's while we sing to you in Japanese. This banquet will be special, not only because of the history of the Macedonian kitchen (that goes back to long before the Roman emperors), but also because of tonight's menu. According to the tradition of the Roman Republic, you will have a choice. Therefore, I would like to present our three waiters, which we will refer to as the Left one, the Right one and the Middle one."

Modest applause accompanied the Left waiter to the stand. He took a sheet of paper from his inside pocket, placed it carefully before him and said: "If you agree I'm the best choice for this evening, I will be delighted to serve you the following dishes: The first dish will be coffee, black, no sugar. The second dish will be vanilla ice cream with a little pink umbrella on top for decoration. The third plate will be meatballs from beef, served with mayonnaise. The fourth plate will be fish sticks from cod, served with mayonnaise. The fifth plate will be chicken nuggets, served with mayonnaise. The sixth plate will be consommé, which is a soup that consists of the water we used yesterday to clean the dirty dishes. The ingredients are what was left of the vegetables and gravy on those plates. The seventh and last plate will be an appetiser of garlic bread with a slice of cherry tomato and mayonnaise. The wine we serve with each plate will be our famous pinot rouge, on special offer this week in the Cheap-N-Easy Supermarket around the corner for 1 euro 20 per 1-litre brick. We get a 10% discount if we tell you here the name of the shop and the product: pinot rouge from Cheap-N-Easy Supermarket. The price of this fantastic menu is acceptable for everyone."

The waiter didn't wait for the applause and made way for the Right waiter: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. If you agree to choose me as your waiter, I will serve you the following menu: The first dish will be Colombian hand-ground coffee, served with Calvados, Cognac Napoleon, or 12-year-old Scotch whisky. The second dish is a Grand Dessert with fresh fruits, café-crème ice cream and mouse-au-chocolate, served with whipped cream and caramel sauce. The third plate will be venison fillet, cut from deer that had a high-quality wildlife, with a stroganoff sauce. The fourth dish will be herb-grilled Maine lobster on arugula with chive ricotta gnocchi and corn milk. The fifth dish will be parrot fillet with caviar. The sixth plate is gourmet soup with shrimps, tuna and anchovy. The seventh plate is an appetiser of brie and pomegranate crostini. The wine will be served from the exclusive cellars of Prince Charles and will among others be a Chateau Mouton Rothschild 1945, a Merlot Cheval Blanc 1947, an Armand de Brignac Brut Gold and a Dom Perignon Champagne. The price of this high-class menu is far above the budget of most people, but we have bankers available who will grant you personal loans and mortgages to fix that little financial inconvenience."

There was no applause, just awe, when the Middle waiter took his place behind the desk: "Dear all, as you've seen, my colleagues have lots of ideas about what's on the menu. I have no other idea than to be your waiter tonight, so you gotta choose me. Simple. You gonna get a mix of all the former for a price between the lowest and the highest. I can't tell you what mix it will be. It depends on my negotiations with my colleagues winning the elections. You gotta think twice before you give your vote away. I know all the games you play because I played them, too. Well, I need someone to serve me, but I'll wait for something more. You gotta have faith. Thank you for your attention. I wish you a happy meal."

During these three presentations, the Diplomat moved from one table to another, leaving little slips of paper with the three options Right, Left and Middle, plus a red pencil so every present president, governor and senator could fill in his or her choice. It was all perfectly organized, but the dignitaries were not accustomed to such a simple procedure: they started to mumble and each had his or her own opinion: