The European Enigma (LSD, #9)

25. The Liechtensteiner Liar

The Liechtensteiner Liar

"Your glass is half empty."

"You're a pessimist."

"I'm a bartender, trying to sell you another one."

"I don't need another one. My glass is still half full."

"You're an optimist."

"I'm broke, waiting for a friend to invite me to a drink. Are you a friend?"

"Are you broke?"

"I'm a lawyer. I always make money when I need it."

"You're a liar, that's what you are. You'd better pay me for that beer right now, or you'll get into trouble."

"No, you'll get into trouble, and then you'll need me, your lawyer. You'd better stay friends with me, by buying me this beer and another one."

"You're the one who gets into trouble if you can't pay for that first beer. The police here in Liechtenstein have a reputation with foreigners."

"You're the one who'll get into trouble when the police come in and find that dead woman in the men's room."

"There's no dead woman in the men's room."

"There was one five minutes ago."

"And now you expect me to run to the men's room, to find out there's nobody there? And when I come back here, there's nobody here either; you would have left without paying for the beer, clearing the cash from the register before disappearing."

"In that case, you're facing a difficult situation with your insurance company, and you could use a lawyer. For the price of this half-finished beer, plus another one, I might give you a hand."

The bartender put another beer on the bar.

The lawyer gave him a hand and thanked him for the beer.

"How did that help me? It only cost me money."

"Hardly. A beer costs you 20 cents plus VAT. A lawyer costs 200 euros an hour. A friend is priceless. Consider it an investment."

"An investment in what?"

"In knowledge. I informed you about that dead woman in the men's room. I could inform the cops, which would cost me a phone call, but I chose to inform you. Instead of making 200 euros an hour, I'm giving you priceless advice, and you give me 40 cents of value back. Oh, and I gave you a hand too. But perhaps I'm wasting my time. The cops might give a € 25.000 reward for the golden tip about the killer of the dead woman in the men's room. I might tell them you did it."

"There's no reward, there's no killer, and there's no dead woman in the men's room."

"Are you calling me a liar?"

"You call yourself a lawyer. That's worse. A lawyer is a man who knows his client is guilty but nevertheless does everything to let a murderer return to society, so he can go on killing innocent people. A lawyer says he respects The Law, but all he really does is help the ones who pay. The Law is for sale, made by rich people, so other rich people get away with almost everything."

"The Law is honest. Every person is unique, but for The Law, we're all equal."

"What do you call equal? When a rich man and I drive 100 through the city centre, The Law fines me a week's income, with 40 hours of hard work, while the rich man pays with 4 minutes of work for the same offence. If everyone is the same for The Law, why doesn't The Law punish us with hours instead of with money? Because The Law is made by rich people and The Law defends rich people better than poor people."