The European Enigma (LSD, #9)

7. The Bulgarian Baby

The Bulgarian Baby

The Sofia Sophisticated was the first newspaper that paid attention to Baby Lon, the language phenomenon. Then the Bulky Bulgarian, the most influential newspaper in the country, sent a journalist to write about the baby. Their article covered half the front page of the Saturday edition. From that moment on, film crews and writing press from every European country besieged the little hamlet where Baby Lon lived.

Baby Lon's parents were not happy with all the attention. They barricaded the doors, closed the curtains, and kept the fire in the hearth burning, so journalists didn't use the Santa Claus entry. Papa and Mama Lon hid inside their house for three days until the lack of food and fresh milk for the baby forced father Papa to go on a mission to the supermarket.

His "No comment, no comment" didn't satisfy the world's hunger for news. When he returned, with his arms full of desperately needed supplies, the journalists and cameras blocked the entrance to his house. The right to inform the public was stronger than the wrong to misbehave in public. The pressure of the predators of the press made Papa promise to present his pretty precious at a press conference that same afternoon. In return, the press declared to respect the privacy of Papa, Mama and Baby Lon, by not mentioning their real names, which weren't very interesting anyway, as their home address, their phone number, their social security number, their latest tax declarations and the link to their Facebook page had been published days ago.

The meeting would take between twenty minutes and half an hour, no longer. Papa and Mama started by showing their baby. Baby Lon wore a cute, pink outfit, made of fine wool. She laughed and seemed to enjoy herself.

Mama took the first turn on the microphone: "When Baby Lon was born, the doctor slapped her on the bum to make her cry. Every doctor does that with every baby, to activate both the baby's respiration and her HIFI installation. From that first moment on, we knew there was something special about our little daughter: instead of crying out loud, she shouted «Mama!». At first, we didn't pay much attention as «wah wah» and «ma ma» are, linguistically speaking, quite close. But a few days later, Baby Lon started greeting her father with the sounds «pa pa». While she clearly produced the different sounds «ma ma» when she saw her mother, we started to wonder. Would our baby be special? We decided to wait and see how things evolved."

As in modern families is the custom, Papa took over: "We thought it would be nice to stimulate our little girl with modern talking. We played soft music in her bedroom during the nights, nothing special, just the usual mix of hard rock and blues that, according to medical advice, activates the language part of sleeping babies. During meals, we read poetry with her, from Aretha Franklin to Eros Ramazzotti, from Jacques Brel to Julio Iglesias. In the evenings, we read her classic stories like Romeo and Juliet, Don Quichote, La Divina Comedia, Le Père Goriot and the seven LSD spy novels from Luxembourg, everything in their original languages. We kept her away from TV and radio. The results were... spectacular. Baby Lon will celebrate her second birthday next Friday, and she already speaks 23 different languages fluently..."

Papa and Mama Lon left a theatrical pause to not disturb the Ohs and Ahs of the gathered press. Twenty-three languages... Most of these journalists hardly spoke one...

To avoid the obvious question, Mama took Baby Lon on her lap, put the microphone closer, and continued: "We understand you're all impressed. You must be looking forward to hearing this miracle speak for itself. We came here this afternoon to do exactly that, to show you what our little girl is capable of. But we also hope you understand. Baby Lon is not even two years old, so we urge your silence during this little demonstration. Can we agree on that?"

The journalists nodded silently, like a pack of toy dogs on hat stands. Mama asked Baby Lon her first question: "Hello, Baby Lon. All those people here are from different countries. They hope you give your answers in the languages of each one of them. My first question is: who is the loveliest woman you know?"