The European Enigma (LSD, #9)

22. The Italian Informer

The Italian Informer

The Nerd was getting nervous. This was far above his jurisdiction. He hesitated thirty long seconds, but no answer popped up on one of the 35 screens before him, no box opened to show a clown with «Solution!» written on the envelope in his hand, no angels fell out of the sky, and no devils crept out of their dungeons to tell him what to do.

"Please hold. I have to talk to The Boss."

He put the line on hold, placed the receiver on his desk, took his encrypted spiPhone out of his pocket, sneaked out of the computer room into the toilet (double isolated, against both smell and uncalled-for noises), closed the door behind him, and dialled the number: #1, The Boss.

"You better be brief. I'm watching the news."

"It's the Italian informer, Sir. He wants more money."

Silence.

An almost inaudible click ended the background noise of the live report of the latest bombing in Syria (The Nerd suspected that The Boss just switched off the sound and not the entire TV set, so he could still follow the death count in the upper-left corner of the screen, anxiously waiting for the moment when the Americans broke the Gulf War II High-score).

"Did you tell him our budget doesn't allow us to raise the fees we pay for information?"

"Yes, Sir. He said it was nice for other informers, but he always proved to be reliable and deserved a better deal. He also promised his current report is worth the investment, and he wanted me to remind you he's always given us correct information."

"Is that so?"

"Is the Pope Catholic?"

"He is, but that information was hardly useful for us. We would probably have figured it out without him."

"Didn't Sophia Loren win an Oscar?"

"Yes, she won the Academy Award for La Ciociara, but that was back in 1962."

"Wasn't it true that the former Italian President had a love affair with a girl named Ruby?"

"Yes, that was true, and your informer told us that before the press found out, but the list of names of girls who had a love affair with the former Italian President is as long as the phonebook of Bari, so if he picked just any name, he would have a 50% chance of being correct. He could have mentioned Madonna, for heaven's sake, and—"

"Did Madonna have a love affair with the former Italian President?"

"No, she didn't. She told me last night and I have no reason to believe she lied. Italian women never lie about their love affairs. She said she always tells the truth."

"And you believe that? To me, that sounds like a virgin, being number 1 in the Hot 100."

"The point is: we have to be clear to our dear Italian Stallion: no more money. If he doesn't accept our current offer, he can go to somebody else."

"I do think—"

"You are not paid to think. You are paid to do what I tell you. I tell you now to bitch him off. Budgets are frozen like the Italian ice-cream prices."

"That's something he said too: Italian ice-cream prices on the San Marco in Venice have been raised again this summer. A simple cappuccino costs seven euros now. He needs more money because prices in his country go up so fast that—"

"Why are you defending this guy? Is he married to your sister?"

"No, but... You should not think so negatively about him. He's really a likeable fellow, you know, always friendly, always a smile and a happy new year wish, he's the only one who never forgets my birthday, I mean... If Valentino Rossi didn't exist, our Italian informer would be my number one on the list of most pleasant people in Europe. And he is convinced this information is worth the money we pay him."

"And I'm convinced we don't even have a budget for the money we pay him. You like him, don't you? You hate to tell him we need to draw a financial line here. Well, okay. Connect him to me and I will tell him myself. You don't have to worry about losing your only friend in the world because of a financial disagreement I have with him. Connect him to me."

The Nerd cleaned his..., pulled the string, corrected his clothes, and left the toilet. The receiver was still waiting. He pushed the button and said: "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Ciao, Pepita. Manquementodeportefeuille. Spaghettideraviolidebambino—"

The Nerd interrupted with a short "Here comes the Boss...", pushed a few buttons and with a sigh of relief, he dropped the receiver on the phone.

The Boss was not happy: "So you want more money?"

"Just a little bit, Capo di tutti capi. The prices..."

"How much?"

"I thought, perhaps... three."

"WHAT?"

"I was joking, of course. Two and a half would be nice. You pay me two now, so two and a half... The cappuccino here in the Venecia costs already the seven euro fifty at the San Marco, you know."

"I thought it was seven euros."

"That was before the number two put me on the hold. Prices go up fast here in the Italy. Now it's seven sixty already. If you don't take the sugar, that is."

The Boss thought about the situation. The Nerd was right: the Italian informer had never lied to them before. It must be pretty difficult to find an Italian who tells the truth. The Pope doesn't count, of course, as Vatican City is officially not part of Italy, and Valentino Rossi doesn't count either...

"Okay. We have a deal. From now on we'll pay you two euros fifty per month, but you better make sure your information is correct and useful to us, or we go back to two euros per month, you understand?"

"I understand, Capo di tutti capi. Grazie. Thank you. You hava the pen? You hava the paper? Here it comes. Next Sunday's results: Chievo – Udinese 1 – 0, Empoli – Internationale 1 – 0, Bologna – AC Milan 1 – 0, Palermo – AS Roma 1 – 0, Lazio Roma – Genoa 1 – 0, Juventus – Benevento 0 – 7 with an own goal by Gonzalo Higuain in the 63rd minute...."